MY FUNERAL

i heard something i shouldn't have heard yesterday...

I arrived and the first thing i saw was that.

Later that day, I heard that.

I left right after i heard that. It was too cold, too painful, too real.

I drove home thinking of that over and over again. I wanna speed on the highway, as if i'm running away from that. but, i can't. The traffic was heavy. It was bumper to bumper. It got to my nerves too. I need to calm down, i thought to myself. I turned the radio off, rested my forehead onto my hands gripping tightly around the steering wheel.

The next thing i know is that hot tears started flowing down my cheeks. I feel so crushed and shattered. I never thought it would be so painful. For a moment, i feel like this little girl running to her Daddie and laying her head on His lap, crying and pouring her heart out. I prayed hard for my wounds to be healed.

Afraid that the next car's driver would see me crying, I quickly wiped away my tears and concentrated on the road. I scolded myself for being so foolish and idiotic. I told myself to grow up and move on. This is so hard. I wanna leave this place as soon as possible. I can't stand any of that anymore. Nobody will understand how hard it is for me right now. My self-confidence is at the lowest point right now. Everyone looked at me like i'm some ugly creature who don't deserve anything. I'm imagining or whatever it is, screw it !! I have to learn the word ACCEPTANCE!!

Now I’m so far in dirt from the hole that I have dug falls in on me. Suffocation is what I deserve at this point. A silly death in an un-marked grave. They say this pain is supposed to make the heart stronger but at this point I want the pain to take me over. Suck me down, down and away. A quick death will be better then being slowly crushed.

This is when suddenly a voice whispered this : "be patient. Surrender."

It sounds so familiar. Jeremiah 29:11. Something about there are plans for me not to harm me. i hope so, god.

sigh. the least i know is even if the whole world don't understand what i'm going through now, there is god who never change no matter how i throw tantrums around. I can only depend on Him even though He always puts me in really sucky situations to test me and make me grow mature. Nobody would love and die for me when i'm such an ugly person to even love.

it was the longest journey home even it was just half an hour.

Rain, rain go away, wash away my tears~~

Crushed, battered and bruised,

I feel like I have been beaten up,

But I haven’t

I feel all beaten up,

I’m finding it hard to breathe,

Struggling to live

You’ve bashed me up,

I’m crushed,

On the inside

Taste the red

With my heart in your hands,

you squeeze

See the blood flowing down

Shattering all we used to be

With the blood that drips from my crushed heart

I'll cross out your name and your face

Then ex-out your eyes, cause this is the demise of you

Erase the red

The blood from my heart on your hands

I'm drowning you

In the poison of what we had

R.I.P

kimberly