When things are not going your way, where will you head to? A downward spiral?

Sometimes, I don't know whether it's me or the world is going through a bad year.

Just flip through the papers, many unpleasant events have taken place. To name a few, just last week, Indonesia experienced yet another natural disaster.. more like natural disaster(s) with the tsunami and volcano eruption happening at the same time.. Buses in Malaysia are very accident-proned recently. Many people around the world are getting hurt in various ways, be it war, diseases, disasters, emotions.. it hurts.

Hurt is often an effective bondage within us, effectively made healing an impossible remedy. A lil escalated, hey? As human beings, we build defensive walls around us to hide this fact - our insecurities.

"No, I'm not hurt."

Then, distrust begins. We will begin to lose trust on others, because we've been hurt. Defensive nature.

Friends are no friends. Even, family/loved ones should be a suspect. We will begin to think what gossips they've backstabbed us with. Is he/she cheating on my money? Is he/she genuinely my friend? Is he/she looking down on me? Urgh. It's Game on.

To cut it short, we ... no .. you will end up living in your own little room, surrounded by metal walls. At the end of the day, it's ''you'' you're fighting against.

What I'm trying to say is, this is life and this is what i've learnt or still learning.

We can't stop bad things to happen. The lil twirling wind in Perlis state is worrying me loads but life has to go on. Sitting around thinking of which diirection this wind is heading towards will not stop the wind from coming your way.

Attitude, principles are important.

An attitude that portrays a mature self. How you handle the bad situatiion and most importantly - the desire to take the first step, be it, forgiving others, change, adaptation, flexibility - mindset.

I was really down lately with loads of "bad situations" ..  I tend to think that I'm in a point in my life that nobody would ever wanna be in. Everything I complain about often starts with the word "me". I begin to be so defensive. I want to protect myself from bleeding. I slowly became a mean person and at the same time being all negative. Wow, now that im writing this.. i realized the combination of defensive + negative is actually very dangerous.. it actually made me insane for a while. Facing the mean world everyday.. part of growing up into the dog-eat-dog world -  whether it's the working world or the personal world.. whoa!

Then again, God is good. Every moment i'm heading towards that downward spiral, God will send different people into my life at the right time to pull me back to surface. I've learnt to let go and accept people for their sincere side. Yes, I might not agree with everything the world says or even this post (if you disagree).. accept people for their sincerity. Yes, that person might have the tendency to gossip about you, but accept the part of the person that is true to you - say.. being there for you, his/her concern for you.. etc.

Emotion wise - Forgive. You might not forget, but do forgive. It's a big word, it requires big leap of faith. I, myself am working towards it. Yes, it was and still is painful but hey, it's not everything. It's not eveything till the point where you forget yourself. Then again, even when you're working towards forgiveness, the other party might not be able to accept this mere fact. Are you sure you're willing to forgive me? Hmm.. healing takes time, we don't know how long, but it'll heal. Sometimes, it'll get worse.. the other party will get annoyed of the act of forgiveness. Or misunderstandings will take place. At the end of the day, as long as there's a desire to forgive, that matters. Your heart matters. Prioritize that first.

Principles. Sigh. Haven't we heard this enough?

"Don't do to others what you don't want others to do upon you."

Simple example: Don't start or participate in any gossip when you don't wanna be gossiped about.

If you're oe who keep the principle in you, sooner or later people will see that in you.

I also believe in "what goes around, comes around." I've known of someone who used to criticise me A LOT about my weight, and after a few years, he balloooned up and took back his words against me.
Another eg: Whatever you've cheated on ppl, will not last forever. The perfect scenario: Ýou'll get cheated back, all those $$ or whatever aspect with regards to this.

Alas, faith is above all. Why worry about getting hurt or getting dragged into those bad situation when you have SOMEONE who will worry all those for you? Our Big God.

Give Him each perplexing problem,

All your needs to Him make known;

Bring to Him your daily burdens—

Never carry them alone!

 —Adams (Our Daily Bread)

Essentially, this is the main reason why I have such faith - the only ONE that would love and care for me all the way. All the way. and, never ever change. Perfect love which drives out fear.

I watched Fireproof (2008) over the weekend and got surprised that it's actually a Christian movie which also touches my heart. I find it relevant and believe that it's not a coincidence that this movie appealed to me while I was changing channels, one from another, in a hot afternoon.

The title itself ie: Fireproof gave me the impression of a violent story line, with gunshots, gang fights etc.Okay it does have something to do with fire and firefighters.
I wasn't in the mood for this kind of genre but somehow, i decided to read the synopsis of the movie. It is a romance genre and I was still not interested. So odd of me, right? I always have a soft spot for love stories, maybe it's just the heat that is a major turn off! So, I continued changing channels in hope of bumping into something that fits my mood and cool me down. Finally, I find myself ironically getting çomfortable, lying on the floor with a pillows around me - getting into a 'late-night movie mode'.

Synopsis: In Albany, the marriage of Caleb end Catherine Holt is in crisis and they decide to divorce. However, Caleb's father, John, proposes that his son delays their separation process for forty days and follow a procedure called "The Love Dare" to make them love each other again.

To get things clear, I'm not reviewing on the movie but more of the message I've retrieved from it. As mentioned, I believe that it is of no coincidence that God has planned for me to watch this movie over the weekend.

As I'm more of a 'quote' person, i think the below quote touches my heart:

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John Holt: Caleb, if I had to ask you why you're so frustrated with Catherine, what would you say?


Caleb Holt: She's stubborn. She makes everything difficult for me. She's ungrateful. She's constantly griping about something.


John Holt: Has she thanked you for anything you've done in the last 20 days?


Caleb Holt: No! And you'd think after I washed the car, changed the oil, do the dishes, washed the house, that she would try to show me a little bit of gratitude, but she doesn't. In fact, when I come home, she makes me feel like I'm an enemy! I'm not even welcome in my own home, dad! That is what really ticks me off! Dad, for the last three weeks I have bent over backwards for her! I have tried to demonstrate that I still care about this relationship. I bought her flowers, which she threw away. I have taken her insults and her sarcasm, but last night was it. I made dinner for her. I did everything I could to demonstrate that I care about her, to show value for her, and she spat in my face! She does not deserve this, dad! I am not doing it anymore! How am I supposed to show love to somebody over and over and over, who constantly rejects me?


John Holt: [John Holt strokes the wooden cross, and turns to Caleb] That's a good question.


Caleb Holt: Dad, that is not what I'm doing.


John Holt: Is it?


Caleb Holt: No. Dad, that is not what this is about.


John Holt: Son, you just asked me: how can someone show love over and over again when they're constantly rejected? Caleb, the answer is: you can't love her, because you can't give her what you don't have. I couldn't truly love your mother until I understood what love truly was. It's not because I get some reward out of it. I've now made a decision to love your mother whether she deserves it or not. Son, God loves you, even though you don't deserve it. Even though you've rejected Him. Spat in His face. God sent Jesus to die on the cross for your sin, because He loves you. The cross was offensive to me, until I came to it. But when I did, Jesus Christ changed my life. That's when I truly began to love your mom. Son, I can't settle this for you. This is between you and the Lord. But I love you too much not to tell you the truth. Can't you see that you need Him? Can't you see that you need His forgiveness?


Caleb Holt: Yes.


John Holt: Will you trust Him with your life?


[Caleb nods; yes]
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I admit that there are many, countless times where I've rejected God when my life crumbles down at me. I've lose faith many times but yet, here I am, back to His embrace, His loving eyes. No matter how many time's I've turned away and rejected Him, He still looked at us lovingly and forgives me. God is worthy and I'm so utterly unworthy of Him to have died for my sins and shame.

In the movie, when Caleb found God, he learns what is LOVE. He asked for God's forgiveness sincerely and prayed earnestly, desperately waiting on Him. He knelt down on both knees and prayed. He trusted God wholeheartedly. I find myself in a somewhat same situation as Caleb in this movie. He is at his lowest point, he is crushed, often frustrated in life, then he found God and submitted himself in His mercy and grace. He waited on Him, and this is what I've learned over the weekend. 

With nothing but bad events taken place in turn and more to come, how is it possible for me to even have a glimpse of hope? There's no sign of light that will lead me out of this dark tunnel. There is no future, there is no my future. Look how little faith I have even though God only require faith as small as a mustard seed?

I am still seeking for His forgiveness for all my doubts and little faith. Till this day, there are times when I've got so frustrated, I want out from everything. It is so tough going through all this alone. It requires loads of mature-ness in me to think rationally and not go by my own emotions. There are days where I'm filled with joy for I'm reminded of the hope He has planned out for me. However, it does not last. I'm really vulnerable now, inside out but I can't show this side of me or rather, I do not want to give in to this side of me. The scars in me are forever visible and I do understand that in this lifetime, there will be more events that would pour salt in this wound and this is just the beginning. How sad, right?

At the end of the day, God gave us choices. A choice to lead this life with Him or without Him, by your own strength or by His strength?

.............................................................................................................................................. 
Caleb Holt: If there's a God out there somewhere, he's not interested in me and my problems.


John Holt: I disagree. I'd say he's very interested.

Caleb Holt: Then where's he been in my life?

John Holt: I'd say he's been at work all around you. You just haven't realized it. You haven't exactly given him an open invitation.

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At this moment, I'm thinking about bits and pieces of a song where the lyrics makes me tear:
Before the world began,
You were on His mind,
And every tear you cry,
Is precious in His eyes,
Because of His great love,
He gave His only Son,
Everything was done,
So you would come.

Come to the Father,Though your gift is small,
Broken hearts, broken lives,
He will take them all,
The power of His Word, The power of His Love,
Everything was done,
So you would come.
 He died for my sins, He gave up everything for me. Who am I to complain on and on about the price I have to pay for being His instrument.

I am broken but still holding on to all the pieces, in hope that I'll be able to glue them back again.
A day at a time, a day at a time, kim. be forever thankful and grateful that God loves you no matter how
broken you are..

xoxo

I watched You've Got Mail today and there's this particular quote that I find really relevant to myself, or rather, the situation I'm in.

"I fell in love with a dream"

What's my dream?


In my dream,
There was only me and you,
It was me in your warm secure arms,
Your lips on mine,
Under the sky filled with stars whom are also the witnesses of this passionate love.
Anything the world throws at us,
It is you who have always given me all the strength i need  to hold on.


In my dream,
There is always assurance,
No chance for any doubt,
There is always give and take,
No chance for any selfishness.


In my dream,
It's always romance, laughter and intimacy,
Although there are times when it's always debates and tantrums,
There's always words of encouragement, understanding and honesty.




In reality,
No matter how much we believe,
In love, faith and hope,
It was you who has given up un believing... in us.




I have been working in this firm for 2.5 months now. Another half a month it will be the end of my probation and thus, I will be a permanent staff from then on. These 2 months passed me by in a blink of eye, however, many event has taken place within these 2 months. Whether it's a personal or non-personal agenda, it has happened.


"Working life has made my life so routined now" - those whom have been hanging out with me lately will sure to hear me repeat this phrase over and over again. This show how true this is. I've always been questioning people around me if this is normal. There is only one answer - Yes, it's working life-lar.
Look, we've been studying so hard, like hell (literally) just to get a better future. IS THIS THE FUTURE I'VE BEEN WORKING SO HARD FOR?


Yes, I do feel lost. You may call this a transition from uni to the workforce.

1. You wake up the same time every morning. Wash up. Sun beginning to rise. Get stuck in the morning traffic jam. Get sardined in the elevator. Work begins. Lunch time. Back to work. Dark sky, no sunset. Get stuck in the traffic jam (again). Home. Sleep and start all over again.
2. Your social circle gets smaller and smaller. Friends? What friends? Weekends? It's either rest or work. 
3. Life is meaningless and boring.

I admit I've always tell myself that it's a wrong decision to return to Malaysia. All my friends are back in Australia. I'm serving actively in the church there. I've gotten accustomed to the lifestyle there. There is home, here is ... I don't know. If you've read my previous post two months ago, I've mentioned that when I was returning to this place, my mindset was innocently thinking that this place is how it was when I left two years ago. Well, obviously, it's not. Things changed. The worse thing that I've feared most has happened - Loneliness. I fear loneliness and it has happened.


It was hell. Honestly, I never thought that I will ever be lonely. That is because, back then, I have loads of friends with healthy relationships. I'm well pampered by everyone. Everyone likes me (i believe). I'm a nice person. I'm friendly. I'm bubbly. My phone was always ringing with invitation to drinks, shopping, karaoke, parties. I'm actively involved in church events. Even when I was in Aussie, I was never really lonely as well.


How ironic that I feel so lonely now. It has heavily affected me, my personality, my believes. I'm much quiet now. I rarely smile or laugh. I'm isolating myself. I'm getting into serious arguments with my parents. I hated everything in life. In my eyes, the sky is always grey and gloomy. I am starting to believe that God has forgotten about me.


And finally when the last bombshell has fallen on me, I was crushed and broken. I was at the lowest point in my life. Tears that flowed was never ending. Walls around me crumbled. Time seemed to have stopped. I have nothing in life. God has abandoned me. No.


It is so true that when you're at the lowest, God is at the nearest. I turned to God for help. I pleaded to Him to take all these sorrows away.  I could see myself sitting down in a corner, holding my knees. Then, I could feel God embrace me with love. Every tear I cried hurts him so. Miraculously, this is the moment where God does 'His thing'. God delivered me from my sufferings and sorrows, my deprived self. I'm filled with joy once again I smile from the heart once again. My family embraced me with their love, being there for me at this point in my life. My friends started to call and keep in touch without them knowing anything that has happened in my life. I am starting to open up my heart once again after two months of isolation. I'm starting anew.


I'm starting anew. I'm not going reinvent my lifestyle. There will be worklife balance. No isolation anymore. I'm not going to punish myself for all the sorrows that has come upon me. I want to honor Him once again by first getting back on track with my walk with Him and then serve him with whatever I have. I'm gonna live by God's grace and mercy. I will have love,faith and hope without doubting Him anymore. Whatever that is going to happen, whatever in front, I will strive thru it by His strength. 


I do feel energetic now. There's a lot of things which I wanna do. I want to take on a new challenge ie: Complete my Grade 8 Piano, get a Diploma in Music, join British Council book club.. read good novels, polish up my english and be a freelance journalist or writer, learn to drive the manual car all over again (it's a skill i always hope to master as a girl esp), art and craft skill - a weekend hobby and do some gardening. I've actually bought  some daisy seeds and gonna start on it tomorrow. Yup, a whole load of burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I do at times always think of all the 'what if-s' and ' I wants', It's hard. It's tough but there's nothing I could do. Just surrender.


I am excited to know what has God instored for me in each and every day of my life. Tomorrow is the day I'm hoping with all my heart that God will open a door for me, to start anew. I deeply feel that it's the beginning of everything.


Please Father, I plead.


xoxo

Okay, I've finally acknowledged the minor adjustment error with regards to my blog. As you can see, I've surrendered to endless html codes. Kimmy raising the white flag, alas!! I'm now using Blogspot template design and in my opinion, it's a decent skin. It's a simple black skin. In fact, I've always love the colour black. It's elegant. It complement my top favourite colour, pink. As you can see, I've made my blog very personal this time, with no links to whatever, not even friends' blogs.

Well, that's my life now..i guess. I know, definitely others would agree with me that I've kinda isolated myself. I've not been a friendly friend. Yup, I agree. Why? I can't agree more that things change, relationship changes. Relationship does wither. Whether it's me who have changed or not, it's not for me to judge. You may have heard or experienced this: When one leaves the country for a long time and returned, things and relationship changed. I've had experiences in this matter playing both part of the relationship ie: people in my life left me behind and I've also left people behind. Many would say that those who left and returned often enough changed, but I do have people who thinks vice versa.

I've tried to fit in. It wasn't exactly successful. Maybe I was to naive to think that things will be exactly the same as when I left. I am guilty as well for I didn't make the effort as much as the others did. I'm just too exhausted to try to fit in, to start all over again. I do feel very tired, very very tired. I think it's psychological. I made myself like this. I want to be depressed. It makes me feel better. I'm tired of living in denial. Denying the fact that I'm not alright. I am not happy at all. I am not strong, why act like I am indeed strong at all? I've come to a realization that I'm trying to make people around me feel good, but not me.

I don't know what I'm seeking. I don't even know who am I anymore. Laugh! According to my family, I'm a selfish person. A person who only thinks about herself, her wants and needs. I do believe in their perception of me. I do feel like a shit. However, sometimes I feel that I have the right to prioritize myself, to look after myself, to make myself happy. How funny that what makes me happy, makes the whole wide world unhappy. What a sacrifice I have to make for the world. Sacrifice my own happiness. The big word here is RESPONSIBILITY. You might think that I'm being childish right now. Ah, I really don't care anymore. I don't even know how to smile from my heart with that glow anymore. I'm starting to lose my appetite bit by bit. I'm trusting God wholeheartedly for a miracle, for Him to make things right.

As I've mentioned above, yes, I'm isolating myself, intentionally. I'm not catching up with people or building any relationships. It just makes me sad, all I want is to get myself busy and tired so that I could sleep at night without crying to sleep, thus I hate the holidays because it's never a happy one. I'm not exaggerating here, but my little heart is really feeling sad. Sometimes I cried while eating and beginning to swallow my food hard. Once, my mum saw and she felt my pain but all she says is to accept my circumstances around me.

It just feels like a huge stone in my heart. Like a cancer, killing me slowly. When I walk in the streets or shopping malls, I deeply wonder how could people be so happy about their lives when the sky is so ever gray, with not a single star at night?

Well, what can I do? NOTHING. Really nothing that I can do. Wait, there is one.

Although I do not know how to move on in life yet right now, I'm just gonna take a step at a time. Whatever God has provided and is still providing, I'm just gonna take it and slowly, by faith, I hope I could see that light end of this long dreadful tunnel.

xoxo