Okay, I've finally acknowledged the minor adjustment error with regards to my blog. As you can see, I've surrendered to endless html codes. Kimmy raising the white flag, alas!! I'm now using Blogspot template design and in my opinion, it's a decent skin. It's a simple black skin. In fact, I've always love the colour black. It's elegant. It complement my top favourite colour, pink. As you can see, I've made my blog very personal this time, with no links to whatever, not even friends' blogs.
Well, that's my life now..i guess. I know, definitely others would agree with me that I've kinda isolated myself. I've not been a friendly friend. Yup, I agree. Why? I can't agree more that things change, relationship changes. Relationship does wither. Whether it's me who have changed or not, it's not for me to judge. You may have heard or experienced this: When one leaves the country for a long time and returned, things and relationship changed. I've had experiences in this matter playing both part of the relationship ie: people in my life left me behind and I've also left people behind. Many would say that those who left and returned often enough changed, but I do have people who thinks vice versa.
I've tried to fit in. It wasn't exactly successful. Maybe I was to naive to think that things will be exactly the same as when I left. I am guilty as well for I didn't make the effort as much as the others did. I'm just too exhausted to try to fit in, to start all over again. I do feel very tired, very very tired. I think it's psychological. I made myself like this. I want to be depressed. It makes me feel better. I'm tired of living in denial. Denying the fact that I'm not alright. I am not happy at all. I am not strong, why act like I am indeed strong at all? I've come to a realization that I'm trying to make people around me feel good, but not me.
I don't know what I'm seeking. I don't even know who am I anymore. Laugh! According to my family, I'm a selfish person. A person who only thinks about herself, her wants and needs. I do believe in their perception of me. I do feel like a shit. However, sometimes I feel that I have the right to prioritize myself, to look after myself, to make myself happy. How funny that what makes me happy, makes the whole wide world unhappy. What a sacrifice I have to make for the world. Sacrifice my own happiness. The big word here is RESPONSIBILITY. You might think that I'm being childish right now. Ah, I really don't care anymore. I don't even know how to smile from my heart with that glow anymore. I'm starting to lose my appetite bit by bit. I'm trusting God wholeheartedly for a miracle, for Him to make things right.
As I've mentioned above, yes, I'm isolating myself, intentionally. I'm not catching up with people or building any relationships. It just makes me sad, all I want is to get myself busy and tired so that I could sleep at night without crying to sleep, thus I hate the holidays because it's never a happy one. I'm not exaggerating here, but my little heart is really feeling sad. Sometimes I cried while eating and beginning to swallow my food hard. Once, my mum saw and she felt my pain but all she says is to accept my circumstances around me.
It just feels like a huge stone in my heart. Like a cancer, killing me slowly. When I walk in the streets or shopping malls, I deeply wonder how could people be so happy about their lives when the sky is so ever gray, with not a single star at night?
Well, what can I do? NOTHING. Really nothing that I can do. Wait, there is one.
Although I do not know how to move on in life yet right now, I'm just gonna take a step at a time. Whatever God has provided and is still providing, I'm just gonna take it and slowly, by faith, I hope I could see that light end of this long dreadful tunnel.
xoxo
Well, that's my life now..i guess. I know, definitely others would agree with me that I've kinda isolated myself. I've not been a friendly friend. Yup, I agree. Why? I can't agree more that things change, relationship changes. Relationship does wither. Whether it's me who have changed or not, it's not for me to judge. You may have heard or experienced this: When one leaves the country for a long time and returned, things and relationship changed. I've had experiences in this matter playing both part of the relationship ie: people in my life left me behind and I've also left people behind. Many would say that those who left and returned often enough changed, but I do have people who thinks vice versa.
I've tried to fit in. It wasn't exactly successful. Maybe I was to naive to think that things will be exactly the same as when I left. I am guilty as well for I didn't make the effort as much as the others did. I'm just too exhausted to try to fit in, to start all over again. I do feel very tired, very very tired. I think it's psychological. I made myself like this. I want to be depressed. It makes me feel better. I'm tired of living in denial. Denying the fact that I'm not alright. I am not happy at all. I am not strong, why act like I am indeed strong at all? I've come to a realization that I'm trying to make people around me feel good, but not me.
I don't know what I'm seeking. I don't even know who am I anymore. Laugh! According to my family, I'm a selfish person. A person who only thinks about herself, her wants and needs. I do believe in their perception of me. I do feel like a shit. However, sometimes I feel that I have the right to prioritize myself, to look after myself, to make myself happy. How funny that what makes me happy, makes the whole wide world unhappy. What a sacrifice I have to make for the world. Sacrifice my own happiness. The big word here is RESPONSIBILITY. You might think that I'm being childish right now. Ah, I really don't care anymore. I don't even know how to smile from my heart with that glow anymore. I'm starting to lose my appetite bit by bit. I'm trusting God wholeheartedly for a miracle, for Him to make things right.
As I've mentioned above, yes, I'm isolating myself, intentionally. I'm not catching up with people or building any relationships. It just makes me sad, all I want is to get myself busy and tired so that I could sleep at night without crying to sleep, thus I hate the holidays because it's never a happy one. I'm not exaggerating here, but my little heart is really feeling sad. Sometimes I cried while eating and beginning to swallow my food hard. Once, my mum saw and she felt my pain but all she says is to accept my circumstances around me.
It just feels like a huge stone in my heart. Like a cancer, killing me slowly. When I walk in the streets or shopping malls, I deeply wonder how could people be so happy about their lives when the sky is so ever gray, with not a single star at night?
Well, what can I do? NOTHING. Really nothing that I can do. Wait, there is one.
Although I do not know how to move on in life yet right now, I'm just gonna take a step at a time. Whatever God has provided and is still providing, I'm just gonna take it and slowly, by faith, I hope I could see that light end of this long dreadful tunnel.
xoxo
