I've not been honest to myself.

I've been telling myself that this is what it should be, this is the most logical decision. How true is that, I have totally no clue. I am up to the point of convincing myself that this is what I want, I am happy.

Maybe I'm still young, immature, selfishly thinking of myself and not others. Thinking what I want, what I desire, what would make me feel happy. I'm so selfish and mean for blaming everyone else for a decision that I MADE! I still can't "swallow down" the fact that I've made my loved ones around me miserable these few months.

I want to run away, I want to find an escape route.

Have you ever made a decision because everyone supports it and you know it's sensible but at the end of the day, you are not happy at all but you can't take the risk of doing the alternative because you are afraid of failing? I'm feeling like that now.

But, where should i run to? What happens if my selfish desire leads to another "hot pot"? What if i fail in life? I have no one to blame on my failures but myself. It seems like nobody would understand. How ironic that I don't even understand myself. What the hell do I ACTUALLY want? It's like trying to paint an art piece and you have no idea how to start, what you want to paint. The reason I'm still walking this path is because I'm a coward. I don't dare to take the risk of making a decision that nobody obviously will not support me in and then fail.

What is happy?

I don't even dare to be a little sad.

It feels as though there will never be a slight light at the end of the tunnel I'm walking through. It's as if I've lost the game of life. Choices I'm making in life is so superficial, merely to survive on earth. A little happiness is unattainable.

Recently, I've unveiled a memory that I've kept so deeply in my heart for these few years. I have no choice but to unlock this memory, painful memory. It's like my 'lil angel' has come to life again. Everything felt so real. My heart stops when i unlocked these memories one by one. Images starts to form, flashbacks crossed my mind. I tried really hard to stop everything but my heart took control. I can't sleep that night. My mind was filled with these memories. My heart desire to be in these memories once again. Slowly, the pain crawled in and I felt the pain once again. How hurt was I back then, how i do not want to feel that anymore.

I felt that I'm setting myself on fire again.I'm pushing my loved one away. Is it because of my selfish desire too? I feel horrible. This is not what I want it to be. I know that I seek attention all the time, it's just me. Yes, i'm selfish, but I think i've been very understanding. Sometimes I wonder how much more apart can we get? I do not want my emotions to run my life.

How i pray things will get better soon.

I want my pink.

xoxo

Hey people, Kimmy's back from Perth for good. Yay!! It has been a week since I've returned from Perth and I am slowly adjusting back to the lifestyle in Malaysia, hot hot hot Malaysia. Many people has questioned my sudden return. Many thought that I would stay in Perth for good since I love it so much there. Love?? Really? I still remember it was this very day, 26th July 2008 that i step foot in Perth and have decided that I'm gonna just get done with my studies here and get the hell out of here. You see, I have everthing back in Malaysia, family and friends. In Perth, I have to start all over again in such a strange and quiet place.

How wrong was I..

God is just so AMAZING. Studying abroad in Perth was one experience I will never ever forget. I've went through a lot, ups and downs, everything. I've never been so happy and sad in my life. Yes, my emotions went wild, to the extreme. I've never been so happy in my life and also cried so much. I admit i've just realized that i'm a cry baby. Every hiccups i've went through in Perth always consists of tears, whether with regards of exams, assignments, relationships or home sickness. I'm always homesick but I don't wanna come home YET. haha. I've learned a lot over in Perth, such as daily routine stuff like getting groceries, cooking simple edible things, paying bills, travelling around and more. I think im definitely more independent now compared to last time. My final semester was extremely fun and I thank God for blessing me with so many good friends around me that I now consider them as my perth family.

I never thought of leaving Perth, actually. I am so happy in Perth, I don't wanna come home. I want to start a new life with those I love and I believe God really wants to use me here in Perth. I really saw the need. but who am i to limit God? God is much more creative that this. He can use me wherever I am. Due to financial issues, I've finally made the decision to come back to Malaysia. The initial plan to come home should have taken place in September after my convocation but suddenly I was very sick with chest infection. My parents were so worried, they demanded me to come home right away. It was too sudden and I was suddenly forced to prepare my heart to come home immediately. It was not only hard for my friends in Perth but for Yuwin and I. However, all of us handled this very maturely and have came with a consensus mindset that the decision to come home is the most logical decision I've made. The last two weeks of my time in Perth was spent wisely with people I love and cherish. All of us were filled with mixed emotions, happy and sad.

My very last day in Perth was the day my heart got really heavy with feelings that I have to swallow down really reluctantly. It suddenly felt like I can never be happy again. I was filled with guilt that I'm leaving this bunch of people that I truly love and care for. It felt like the colour PINK will never make my heart leap anymore. how dramatic, hey? On my last day in Perth, my friends and i did a whole lot of different things. We went for paintball early in the morning, woke up around 530am and travelled all the way up north. We came back around 4pm and then we went for dinner, had chicken rice at O'connors. After dinner, we all played will flour and made bread. It was raining throughout the night as if the sky is felt the same as my heart did. We enjoyed spending time the whole day and none of us talked about Kim's leaving soon till midnight when we were playing monopoly and getting sleepy. I have to get to the airport at 4am and many of them will be seeing me off. I was really touched but i felt guilty as well because it was a sunday morning and I don't want all of them to be so sleepy in church later on.

Yuwin suggested that we take one last walk around 2am together under the rain. It was lightly drizzling now and we held each others' hands firmly not wanting to let go. Our hearts felt so heavy and the walk to his place seem so short that morning. We didn't talk much throughout the walk.

3am. One more hour to go. Yuwin hugged me. He whispered 'I will miss you' into my ears and planted me a kiss on the cheek. Both of us tried not to cry, trying to be strong for each other. I didn't wanna cry but hot tears started rolling down my cheeks. I gave up trying not to cry, come on.. i've been crying every night ever since I confirmed my air ticket, which was 2 weeks ago. Suddenly, I heard him sobbing. He didn't wanna look into my eyes. He was reluctant to let go. We ended up hugging and crying endlessly.

6am. Gate 5 is now open. My friends and i walked towards the departure gate. I hugged everyone. I looked at them one last time with watery eyes and whispered Goodbye. I went in with tears rolling down endlessly.

715am. Looking out the window, I saw beautiful clouds with the sun beginning to rise right before me. It was so beautiful. I said goodbye to Australia and beginning to flashback on my one year in Perth. I took out all the gifts i've received from my friends. I smiled and vowed not to forget every beautiful memories I've had. I will come back.

1320pm. I walked out of the arrival gate in LCCT, Malaysia. My eyes quickly browse through the crowd and in a sec, I saw my family waving at me and smiling. My mum and dad came and hugged me and said "Welcome home", little tears rolled down as I whispered to my parents, "I'm finally home, Mummy, Daddy." As I was still hugging my parents, i saw a stranger, he looks like a father who smiled at me as he was looking at us hugging as though he felt the same as we did.

It has been exactly a week now. As I am still typing this, tears still formed at the back of my eyes. I still do not know if I've made the right decision. I went for altar call today at church and my pastor prayed for me. As he was still praying, he said, "Kim, trust in the Lord. Stop questioning God. Stop asking why not my way."

I guess I will have to move on in life, whether or not I'm in Perth or in Malaysia. I'm gonna continue to excel in all areas of my life. I'm gonna stay strong and always keep a smile on my face. Gambate, Kim!!!!

To all my Perth friends, I will continue to pray for all of you. You guys will forever be my family and I wish you guys the very best in all your future endeavours and remember that you are very beautiful, precious and unique individuals. I love all of you from the bottom of my heart. I hope to be able to continue sharing life with all of you no matter how far we all are with each other. I will remember you guys, always. Thank you for EVERYTHING.

-xoxo-

PASSION Cell Group, MURDOCH ZONE

Little Moments, Unforgettable Ones..

Special thanks to Jo and Kelv for the videos...

Lord, You are Abosolutely Awesome

-xoxo-

Nick Vujicic

Although born with no arms and legs, Nick has been a faithful servant of God and has been an inspiration to others.

What about us?

Remember, God is not interested whether or not we are capable.. God wants our availability.

Do not wait to be invited to serve, act on it...

This is another video on Dick and Rick Hoyt.

This video made me tear so much.

An expression on God's fatherly love...



Dick Hoyt, a true hero.. a definition of a loving father.

i truly salute you.

-xoxo-

-the bond between us can't be broken-

How can one moment ruin a lifetime of trust?

Our bond is no longer held together by the untouchable memories and experiences we've shared

One snip from the scissors tore us all apart.

I miss the closeness we once have had.

I miss those times when we used to laughed together.

We act like children trapped in an adult appearance

I miss those times when we tickle our funny bones with our never ending sarcasm


When we used to turned to each other

For encouragement, support or even shelter and food

When winter comes, we embraced each other with our warmth


I never said I was perfect

I never said I wanted to be

Why am i being judged for being me?

Why on earth does nobody understand that I just want to be me?

Why should i even choose?

Why am i being forced to please the entire world?


Why must i feel obligated to everyone's demands?


I'm sorry

For all the trouble I've caused

I'm sorry

But I cannot help to be me

All i ask for is for someone to understand that it hurts me too

For being so imperfect.

All i could give is never enough, but please understand that i would never give up trying.

Friendship is not being measured by how much we spend time together,

Friendship is when we know that when we fall, there will be someone that will be there for you.

Friendship is when we know that when we are joyful, there will be someone to rejoice with you.

It is just as simple as that.

Friendship will wither within time

And I will continue to fix the incomplete puzzle.

Forever i will seek the glue to piece this back together.

P.S. Like what you've said, it takes two to tango. However, my efforts will be worthless, when i'm endlessly being pushed away.

-xoxo-

I love Fridays!! It has been always my favourite day ever since God knows when. Fridays always seems to me like Monday is gonna be a long way to come and for now, my week has juz ended, i can finally breathe and relax, laze around till my week starts all over again with classes and classes.

I've just came back from an awesome cell group meeting. Cell group is one that I always look forward to going because I know that even though I'm so tired due to the accumulated stress for the entire week, I can suddenly feel refreshed and rejuvenated with awesome people like the Spammers United and of course really fruitful heated discussion about the bible.


I was actually having slight fever today but after cell group and the usual bubble tea session we have had, I came back energetic and thus decided to blog a little here besides spamming with the spammers via facebook. It really has been an awesome night for me.

God, You are just so amazingly AMAZING. I was doing my devotion and this verse caught my attention tonight:

Isaiah 46: 3-4 :-

I have taken care of you from you birth. Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you. I made you and will take care of you.

I was and am still very touched when i came across this verse. It has struck me that God is just so ever sincere. I mean like, He wasn't even lonely due to His perfect love in the fellowship of the Trinity, but He still created us to LOVE us. How absolutely wonderful He is!!

If God is human, I think He would have a lot of girls falling for Him. Haha.. He is LOVE. From the verse, God says that even when I'm old with gray hair, He would still LOVE me. There is no need for botox when God is just so Lovely. Nevertheless, I do believe that there are people in this world that still love their wife/husband even when they are old or physically challenged. In my opinion, whoever that loves God, loves. Yes, that sums up what I wanted to say thus far.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.

And God wept that it hurt you so;

But it was allowed to shape you heart

So that into his likeness you'd grow - Russell Kelfer

Thank you Father for your grace and mercy You have towards me. Thank you for every day, every minute and every second of my life. Father, check my heart oh lord for any stubborness i have in me. You know me so well Lord and please do forgive me for all my wrongdoings. Forgive me for all my doubts i have had in You. Lord, cast all my burdens away. Take care of my everything. I acknolwedge you in everything that i do, i pray oh lord that you would direct my paths. I pray for all my loved ones, my family and friends that Lord, You will bless them and help them in whatever circumstances they are going through. Lastly, I pray Lord that You will use me as an instrument to fulfill your purposes you have in me. In Jesus name, Amen.

-xoxo-

Even if I thought it's a new start, a new beginning, a fresh one, I will tend to fall back into that deep hole all by myself. It is just awfully annoying for me, what about you? I long so much to start anew but my sincerity is just never sufficient. I desire to make an impact, something that I would be proud of, to be of importance in this place but it is me, myself that is hindering me. I procrastinate so much I just wanna hit myself hard. What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm never there.

Shit me.

Just drown yourself, kim.

I know many of us can't wait for the weekend. Cheer up, it's Thursday already.

Let's have a good laugh....

I had a great day today. Not only that the weather is so cooling today (which is great for a cuppa) but also having happy-filled emotions.. Maybe i'm high with endorphines.. credits to good chocolates frm Aussie..

i hope tht time of the month will come soon. my cravings for food are killing me.

..a day at a time..

xoxo

Nah!!!! Not so much of partying but hibernating...

Super Sigh....

I really need prayer, ppl..

I'm so uncertain on what to do..

I'm graduating in a few months time

and...

a) i found out it's impossible to get a job here in Aussieland when the recession is hitting hard

b) i can't stay in Aussieland when i've only been here for less than a year
but, nevertheless..
c) i have strong faith that God will direct my paths, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT

so...

my little heart is so confused and lost...

Prepare my heart to stay in Perth or Somewhere-else?

What is my future gonna be like??

Whatever it is.. Let's just focus on graduating FIRST!!

Just to sidetrack a little... (forgive me, i just need to dream a little)

If I stay in Perth, Kimmy feels like getting...

1. A CAR

If i'm going to stay here in Perth, I do not want to rely on people to get me around. I want to drive to church, being able to serve in church without relying on others to get me there.. like how i used to back in Malaysia. Btw, this is a Lamborghini Gallardo...

2. A new mobile phone

If i stay in Perth, i can sign up for an iphone contract with Vodafone. I still love my current candy mobile Nokia 2630, but i hate it that it doesn't come with an external memory card. I can't store too many msgs/songs or even pictures.

3. PSP

If i stay in Perth, this boring place needs entertainment. Thus, PSP is the perfect solution. nyehehehe....

omg. the pink PSP is so tempting!!


OMG!! the red PSP is super sexy... .. which one to choose???

4. A brand new Lappie



If i stay in Perth, i can invest in a new lappie. Since Apple's products are at the cheapest in Aussie, which sane human being wouldn't wanna carry this beauty everywhere they go??

5. A Maltese Pup

If i stay in Perth, I can have a reason to buy my all time favourite Maltese breed pup. Perth is one of the perfect place to breed a dog. The air is clean and the community here just loves dogs. I have seen so many pure breed expensive dogs in 9 out of 10 houses and these dogs are all happy dogs!! The RSPCA here are all out to protect dogs, thus i never seen any stray dogs in Perth streets. Bravo!!

okay, it's time for me to stop dreaming....

Currently, what i really need in my so quiet hostel is a TELEVISION!!!

i.need.my.tv.the.flat.is.so.quiet.life.after.5.is.so.dead.i.need.my.tv.

6. TELEVISION



dan & dee: Where is Kim?? She is Missing in Action. I miss Flat 37 family. Where is KIMMMM??

kim, come hang out with us... what have you been doing?

Kim: i have no idea. really.

-xoxo-

-7th December Two 0 0 Eight-

I've had an AWESOME Twenty-First Birthday.

I've never in my life imagined that i'm gonna celebrate my 21st in Perth.

God has been so WONDERFUL to have planned and granted me this birthday.

I always thought that it's gonna be a lonely and quiet birthday for me especially on my 21st, but with God's love, He gave me a superb one. I've had my loved one, good friends and a tremendous good time with them on a ROAD TRIP down south!! We rented a car and drove all the way to Margaret River.. the wineries, chocolate factories, refreshing beaches and beautiful sunsets made my 21st a pleasant one.

Thank you God for being so ever gracious and merciful to me for these 21 years. Thank you God for blessing me abundantly even though I clearly do not deserve such love from You. Thank you God, for your promise of Salvation, the promise of Hope. God, You know me so well, You know my desires. I want to be salt and light for You. I want to walk with you. I want to be close to you. I will be Joyful. I will be strong. I will be a Woman of Courage. God, please listen to my prayers and I pray that You would use me to fulfill Your purposes You have in me. I have faith that You have great plans for me.

This is a note posted by Dan, my really good girlfriend in Murdoch on my 21st Birthday!!

To my beautiful friend,

There aren’t many words to describe the best of you and of your beauty but still I have sat looking through all the days of memories that you have painted for me and for the others. We maybe just a border across each other yet we’ve come miles apart as strangers to familiar faces over the last couple of months. Today, you’re my friend a really good friend I’d like to continue sharing a friendship in all the days yet to come. We may be different, you’re a little dependent and I rather be independent but that doesn’t make you any less my friend. On this day, I take this opportunity to thank you for all the days you’ve always tried putting on your smiles for us, for me during days that treated us with lonesome. I thank you for always being the one who never fails to shine your radiance on all of us. Pardon me for the days that I have not been at my best, for the days I chose not to share with you myself and for all the things that I must have done to hurt you. I am sorry last night my words were limited for this rising occasion that makes you special today. So for all the things that I did not do, for all the things that I did not say, today, I wish you, Kimberly that may your eyes continue to brim with shimmering felicity. May love come by and may your exclusive loved one sprinkle contentment to whole you. I on behalf of everybody here today, wish you love, peace and happiness. Life may stream with many bumps along the way but you’ll always have me. Happy blessed 21st Birthday, Kimberly!

With Love, Dan

Insufficient Love by Raymond Lam (Moonlight Resonance SubTheme)

Hiding within my vision, always lingering beside, can guess love is not present
After happily playing & laughing, and be able to totally retreat; as long as you are happy it’s enough.

This kind of feeling is too loving & warm; to speak a thousand phrases would be insufficient.
What if you were to hear it and afterwards leave
This kind of love is too rare, doesn’t need to completely possess
Giving approval, give (my) blessing wholeheartedly, then let go.

Let go, let go of everything, both will have greater freedom
Let go, in fact it’s not because I do not love enough
Let go, let go of everything without reserve, maybe I’ll still have a good friend
It’s already, already enough.

From a distance, in the background of “universal silence”, just observing is enough.

This kind of feeling is too loving & warm; to speak a thousand phrases would be insufficient.
Even though there was an instant, on impulse where I wanted to hold your hand
This kind of love is too rare, doesn’t need to completely possess
Even with heaviness of heart, (it’s best) to let go.

Let go, let go of everything, both will have greater freedom
Let go, in fact it’s not because I do not love enough
Let go, let go of everything without reserve, maybe I’ll still have a good friend
It’s already, already enough.

Let go, my memories (of you) cannot find an ending
Let go! Wish you will have happiness & everything.
Maybe, love is very deep, but I have already seen it through
Can only possess when (you) let go.

I really do hate uncertainties. If only i could have a glimpse of my future.

urgh...