Monday, April 30, 2007


I have been so bitter lately. I am to go to Port Dickson today but was cancelled due to some circumstances. Sigh, thought of going there to relax and getting out of this place for a few days. And so, I have decided to go to Mid Valley Megamall ALONE, have a walk, get out from my house for a few hours. Well, a friend of mine asked to meet up there too. He gotta help a friend buy some stuff.

I took the train to Mid Valley Megamall. Standing near the door of the train, looking out of the window, deep in my own thoughts... Thinking and thinking about the bitterness i am going through. How much it has affected myself. I realize i am not joyful anymore. I just wanna be left alone for now. However, I know i need people around me to bring back the old me. Kinda ironic to me, somehow.


Operator : Mid Valley, Mid Valley....


I took my own sweet time walking slowly, went into almost every shop. I even bought a McD Sundae Cone for myself. I realized i was smiling all the way. I don't know why, I felt peaceful. No pressure from anyone. No need to rush. No need to think of anything but look around at stuff that i can't afford to buy now.


Then i meet up with my friend. Walking with him is like a marathon race. Laugh... Because he needs to take the bus back, he need to avoid the rush hour. So I am like catching up with his pace all the time. Kinda fun actually. We went into every IT shops looking for earplugs for my MP4. Gosh, it was so difficult to find. I need to find a 2.5mm plug and each shop only sells 3.5mm. I was beginning to lose hope when my friend found it in one isolated shop we went into. Whoa!! I was so happy!! I bought two sets, one for me and another for my sister. Got discount some more!! Yay!!


We decided to give up searching for the earplugs he wanna buy. We went into every single shop but we always ended up coming out disappointed. So, we departed. I went back to the train station. It was so packed in the train at rush hour. I did a good deed today. I saw an old lady who just came into the train, standing, so i gave up my sit for her. Am i a good girl? Thank you..Thank you.. My parents brought me up well. Laugh!! I saw a baby today, he is so so cute. I kept looking and smiling at him till his mum smiled at me. Sorry.. I can't resist looking at cute babies. They look so innocent and with no worries at all!! Sometimes, I wish I am a baby again!! Aww...


When i reached my car which is parked nearby the train station, i was so shocked to see my car door was not closed!! I remember clearly that I did check my car doors before I left for the train station. I quickly checked if everything was stolen. Thank God, nothing was taken. I was so panic because my house keys are inside, my GUESS shades is inside, LEO Club money is inside and my mum's cheque is inside!! Luckily, i locked my gearbox too. Phew!!


I love my sister. My whole family calls her "crazy woman" in Cantonese, "soh poh". This is because she will do or say crazy things that will make us laugh. Today, she said a few things that made me laugh.


Dad : My buckle came off from one of my pants. And also a button from my working shirt.
Sis: Use a rafia string la...


This next one is even funnier...



Mum: Uh oh... We forgotten about the dog's dinner!!
Sis: Uh oh..How?
Mum: Give him some bread to eat. It is too late to buy him dinner now..

Sis: Mum, the dog doesn't want to eat the bread i gave him..
Mum: Let's see.. Give him the "wan tan mee" from lunch just now..
Sis: Oh ok... Must I give him the CHOPSTICKS too?


By the way, this is my dog...





This is one of the masterpiece my sis created. Check it out!!



Lee & Tan means my Dad & Mum...My parents children.













One of my best buddy, Anne's masterpiece. She drew a picture of the Piggy Sisters!! Check it out!!










From Anne's blog:




we have a walking PA system, we have 2 WORLD record holders[The ONES with the weirdest and loudest laughter], The LAME-est joker ever, and we even have human-formed cilipadi.
Seriously, you can find ALL SORTS and TYPES of laughter among us. We have them all.well we have almost everything .we are like the convention of
multiple personality cases.=p
no, more like heroes. SUPER HEROES. UNSUNG HEROES.
well they have special and powerful abilities.




Comment on Kimmy and Farah : JUST look at Kimmy(the first pic). Are you laughing? cus, if you are not, thn im sorry to say tht you have a rubbish sense of humour. SHE is obviously, FUNNY. Well, these both can be very cool at times, but siao the next minute. Don't let them fool you, their sarcasm can tear you up and at the same time tickle your bones. Very rare human beings, eh?




Anne, we love you too!!!!

Thursday, April 26, 2007



Disappointed...


That's all i can say...



Out of the blue, you are saying that you can't take it? You say you don't know me anymore and I've changed? The fact is I think you are the one who have changed because things has always been like this since day one.




Why do people change? Why is it so damn hard to maintain good relationships with others? People expect so much from me all the time. All i wanted is to have a comfortable and enjoyable relationship with them and when things change, I just can't keep up and i will be back to square one.




The thing is as we grow, we will change. Change in everything. For example, your taste in some things won't be the same anymore, your style, your opinion on things and lots more. Change for the better or not depends on different individual. Friends who grew up together will also communicate and treat each other differently than last time.




I have learnt to be realistic and i can't be even more realistic than now. I've always thought that people who i perceived as sincere and i can relate to is actually not as 'angelic' as i thought they would be. Hypocrites are everywhere around me. Even in the most 'saint' place, yes, there are many of them. Are there anyone besides God and our family that can be perceived as sincere?




I'm disappointed once again.




There is a devil that I heart. I tried very hard to pour Love to this devil. This devil actually turned into an angel but for a very short period of time. So, this angel turned devil again is somewhere out there. I'm waiting for this devil to come back and turn into an angel again. I'm waiting and still is. Throughout this 'waiting' period, I have encounter disappointment, hurt, tears, anger, hatred and patience. However, there is still no sign of hope. Not even a glimpse.




I'm still so pathetically waiting for maybe nothing. I'm still dwelling in the past. I'm disappointed that you've changed so drastically. I look like a pathetic fool now. I didn't know that it will hurt so much. I have a devil beside me. A devil that can make me so happy once and also make me cry in pain. A devil which i can't hate anymore...




Things that sucks in life has turned my heart numb. Too many emotions that i have encounter. When all emotions come together, my heart turned numb. That numbness where your heart just can't feel a thing anymore. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say here. I am really feeling it. It is like a heart which can't express anymore. No more tears to cry, can't hate anymore, can't get angry any further and fake laughter starts to come in.




Maybe it is good that my heart feels like that. Maybe it is part of the healing process. God has been good to me in many things. Every tear i cried matters to Him. He has been there with me in my secret place comforting me. He has been there through it all. Jesus is my joy. God, please make a miracle here...




-if tears made you pretty, i'd be the prettiest girl alive...-




-no, i'm not sad..no, i'm not angry..i'm just disappointed...-

Friday, April 20, 2007

Allowing yourself to love = Allowing yourself to get hurt + Learning to let go




This is what i've concluded...


You get hurt because only your loved ones will hurt you the most. Learning to let go is when it is actually time to actually, really really let go. So, don't allow yourself to love when you are not truly ready. I MEAN IT!!




People said that my blog here seems very depressing. Yes, like I've said, this blog is where you not only see my happy-go-lucky kind of character but also the different side of me. People say that it is fake to keep that smile and laughter for 24/7. I am no faker, I just wanna be remembered that way and not ruin the atmosphere when I am with my friends. However, I am also human, so other than my secret place with God, here is also a place where I sorta express a little but not too personal though.




My little heart has a little wish where no matter how i shout it out to the world, nobody seems to hear me out. I feel so small at times, i really do.. I pray at night, desperately, cry my little heart out till dreamland calls me. The dream was so real, in my dreamland, everything turns out the way i wanted it to be. I don't wanna wake up. It's so nice in there. Is there any chance my fairytale could be my reality?




I have a wound in my little heart where it is recovering really slowly. I don't dare to touch this wound for I am afraid that this wound will get infected by bacteria and will get worse and worst, never heal.. never ever.. Yes, I'm avoiding from touching this wound. I don't wanna feel that hurt in me and I wonder will i ever heal? I know i will, but when? I don't wanna pretend, it is tiring, really... And how much will the hurt disappear? Will it leave a scar in my little heart?




This is my reality. Hurt, it is a big word to me. It is like this person(HURT) is trying to test my hurt level. Like how high my hurt level could hit in order to get points. This deep hole is so deep, I can't climb out of it. Not for now..




Letting go is near to impossible because I am not following the 'so-called guidelines' from my previous post. Following them is also equals to impossible because I am not that kind of person to just delete someone from my memory. I'm not a computer. Just delete that file to the rubbish bin and then delete it totally from there. I hate myself for being myself. Hate my nature that leads to hurting myself.




I know I am not the only one who is going through this phase. I can't believe I am going through this phase. It seems like people around me do not understand the exact hurt I am going through. It is getting annoying that people just say template advices like "Just get over it" , " Just forget about it" . What?! You people don't seem to understand. Okay, maybe you try to understand but the word JUST doesn't seem to fit in. I can't JUST forget or get over it. Sigh..Major sigh.. Maybe it is best if you just leave me alone for now. Don't wanna hear anymore advices. JUST let God talk to me.




I am very disappointed with some people around me. Not elaborating much. Just plain disappointed. I don't care if you are disappointed with me too because if you are, you started it.




bITTERness StriKes again...

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


In Denial


Today, I was having lunch with a college friend. When we were waiting for another friend to arrive, we were chatting about accepting some things in life. We were actually chatting about the other friend we were waiting for then suddenly our topic linked to our previous crushes/relationships. He was explaining about how long he took to get over it and so on. Before we ended our conversation, he threw this question to me : " Are you still in denial?"...


I thought and thought to myself. I don't really care about answering him because I don't even know what to answer to myself. So, I went and google about DENIAL.


I found out that when our relationship has ended, we are confronted with two choices:



  1. Make ourselves miserable by dwelling on what could have been, or;


  2. Have courage to face this heartache

My answer is No.1 . Oh man!!! Darn!! Shit!! I AM IN DENIAL...


According to http://www.forbeginners.info/dating/breaking-up.htm,


"Typically many people go into a phase of DENIAL after a break up and some actually feel elated, freed or enthusiastic about being single. Sometimes it can take as long as six weeks before an individual acknowledges the enormous impact that the break-up has had on his or her life."


phase of DENIAL: the heart-broken individual might subscribe to the belief that the former partner is coming back or even pretend that the loved one has just gone on a long trip. Also, it is a normal response to emotional injury. It is a kind of shock that we go into to prevent ourselves from becoming too depressed or suicidal.


To make it simple, DENIAL is denying. Denying the fact that the relationship is finally over. Like the paragraph above, you will always be hoping that your ex will come back to you and if not, you will act as if he/she went on a long trip. Some people however deny by anger. Being angry and start imagining things. Some will start hating their ex so that they can suffocate themselves to forget. However all these will make us remember more and hating is tiring. If you are using this method then you are just denying because you actually don't wanna hate him/her.


AGAIN, I AM IN DENIAL...


Here are some remedies I found in Google:


http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/theas10tips.html


According to the author in this website, these remedies/method could help us to decrease recovery time and maybe minimize the amount of mistakes made along the way.


1) Don't try to be their friend - make a "clean break"


Yes, some of us would always imagine of being a great, supportive friend to our ex and miraculously,our ex would realize one fine day what they are missing and eventually the relationship will be back on. Usually, this seldom happens :( So it's time to go 'cold turkey'.


(Kimmy's Note : I can't do it. No matter what, I would still love him unconditionally and with humility and commitment. Even as a friend. That's my nature.)


2) Do erase their telephone number from your mobile phone


As text messaging is such a HUGE thing, you'd be wise to delete their name and number from your mobile phone (and address book) straight away. You may also be able to bar their number from your phone too. Deleting your ex's details will save you phoning or texting at 4am to ask "Why? Why? Why?" you were dumped, or save you from begging your ex, drunkenly, to take you back. That method seldom (if ever) works for reconciliation. It often has the adverse effect. Who enjoys getting woken up in the middle of the night by someone's incoherent rantings? Or by being bombarded by text messages from someone that just doesn't seem to get the hint.


(Kimmy's Note: Oh, this is so true. You can't help text messaging your ex and so on. However, this doesn't mean i will erase his number in my phonebook because i believe in self-control and train myself to be discipline.)


3) Do delete their old emails and their handle from your online "buddy" lists


Remove and block them from your buddy lists. I know you think it's a minor offense, even quite harmless, to keep in touch with your ex via email or instant messaging programs, but the only one you're fooling is yourself. I'm guilty of that one too! Often you just end up spying on them, checking to see when they are on (and wondering who they are talking to if it's not you!), analysing each message they send you, or worse yet, you get hurt when they tell you they are off "out" that night (and don't say where). It's an absolute nightmare, why put yourself through all that?


In a weird sort of way, keeping in touch electronically is a form of denial. It's a way of staying in the relationship even when the other person isn't physically there anymore. After six months or so have passed, if you decide you want to, then you can add them back to your buddy list and allow them to see you again on theirs. Hopefully enough time will have past where you are better able to handle being in touch.


(Kimmy's Note: It hurts when you can't bring yourself to erase him/her from your daily life. I agree with whatever was said above.)


4) Don't sit around staring at the mementos


Box all the letters, gifts and so on into a box and put it in a place where you wouldn't go daily and stare at those things which will make our heart ache. Box it all up untill you are ready to face it.


(Kimmy's Note: I did that... I box it all up a day after the break up and it is now in the store room. Have never look at them since..)


5) Do use a journal or notebook to vent your pain, anger, frustration & so forth


You should never underestimate the power of pouring the words out onto a page. This is even good for men. In fact, it's generally exceptionally good for men, as a lot of men don't have an outlet for their emotions and pain. During the healing process often we don't feel like we are improving, and the notebook or diary will show you just how far you have come if you read it after a few weeks or months. It is incredibly cathartic and it just may stop you from saying things to your EX you may later regret. I highly recommend writing letters to your EX that you don't actually send.


(Kimmy's Note: Yes, I wrote it all down in my diary with teardrops all over, pictures and memories...)


6) Do spoil yourself


This is something that both men and women can and need to do. Do something so simple as to having a manicure, facial or a massage. Or, maybe purchase that nifty gadget you've had your eye on. Both men and women can also benefit from picking up some new items of clothing that make us feel sexy. We all want to feel attractive. Treat yourself as you would want that someone 'special' to treat you. Have candle lit dinners - with all of your favorite foods - just for you. You're worth it.


7) Don't rebound


Give yourself plenty of time to heal from this break-up. Many people begin dating before they are really recovered. It is almost as if they get bored of the pain and the healing process, so they suddenly grab the next random person who happens to show a little kindness and BAM! It's a fantastic theory but it doesn't always work that way.


Try refrain from immediately trying to find someone to replace your EX and fill that void. Better to work through your pain fully before returning to the dating pool. While there is something to be said for rebound shags, they can sometimes do more harm than good. We've all heard "you can't get over a man (or woman) until you get under another". Don't bet on it. Dating too soon often leads to comparisons to your EX, makes you feel lonelier than not dating did, and can actually set you back further, emotionally, than before you had started to date again. As much as we think this bright, sexy, intelligent person makes us feel so good, at the end of the day, they won't really be able to fill this VOID in you. Only YOU can really make YOU happy. So the trick is to be happy within yourself before you start to date again.


8) Don't listen to the negative self-talk


Once we have been dumped, there is a tendency slip into negative "self talk" and to worry about so many things: if we will ever be loved again, have sex again, trust again or perhaps we worry we are too old, too fat, too dumb or too anything…to ever be happy and fulfilled again. That is highly unlikely, so relax! Dispel thoughts like that immediately and replace them with positive affirmations of your own self worth. Remember, just because your EX may no longer find you desirable or want to be in a relationship with you, doesn't mean that no one else ever will. It just means your EX doesn't. So what? You are still you. You are still whole, complete and perfect just as you are and it will do you good to keep reminding yourself of that.


9) Do take charge of your life - the world is your oyster


Use your time to alone to focus on yourself and your own goals in life. You can take a course in cooking, pick up a new hobby or learn seroc dancing - whatever you want. Buy a house, a motorcycle, travel the world, retrain for a new career or go for that promotion. The world is your oyster!


I don't know what you guys think about these methods stated above, it is actually very logical and all but I fail in following some of them. :(


I always wanna recover alone, find excuses and hide myself in my room, cry over it and keep telling myself that this is the last time i'm going to shed any tears for him. However, the thing is we should get out and socialize. Break-ups usually leave an individual feeling lonely, sad and abandoned. To avoid the feeling of loneliness, it is more beneficial to have a few closer relationships, rather than large numbers of shallow social contacts.


I also found out that studies have shown that endorphins (chemicals that cause pleasure signals in the brain) drop after heartbreak, leaving a person feeling depressed. Exercise has been shown to raise endorphin levels, so try to grab a friend and go for jogs or walks at parks or go for gyms.


Keep in mind that in order to get through the pain, you have to feel it, acknowledge it and accept it. Try to see the break-up as a learning experience. You cannot change the past, but you can learn from it and make your future better. Take this as an opportunity to learn more about what you would like to improve about yourself. An important thing to tell yourself is that "this too shall pass." Life is a series of cycles with ups and downs and it is crucial that we not let moments of failure become the only moments that we use to define ourselves. As Anthony Robbins says, "your past need not equal the future."


Song lyrics that is suitable for broken hearts:


Akon - Lonely : "Ain't nowhere in the globe I'd rather be, ain't no one in the globe I'd rather see than the girl of my dreams who made me be so happy but now so lonely"


Rufus Wainwright -Hallelujah: "Maybe there's a God above, but all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. And it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah"


Journey South- Nobody Knows: "The nights are so lonely, the days are so sad, and all I can think of is the love that we had. I'm missing you, and nobody knows it but me"


M2M- Love Left For Me: "I hate all your lies, I'm so scared and I fear what I see in your eyes but I hope, I dream, I wish and I pray that you have some love left for me"


Lonestar- Smile: "Give me a chance to bow out gracefully 'cause that's how I want you to remember me. I'm gonna smile 'cause I wanna make you happy, laugh so you won't see me cry, I'm gonna let you go in style. Even if it kills me, I'm gonna smile"


Vertical Horizon- Best I Ever Had: "Nothing's quite the same now, I just say your name now. But it's not so bad, you're only the best I've ever had. You don't want me back, you're just the best I've ever had"


The Calling- Wherever You Will Go: "I know now just quite how my love and life might still go on. In your heart, in your mind, I'll stay with you for all of time"


The Offspring- Denial, Revisited: "And if you go I won't believe that it's forever. I won't let go even if she says that it's over. I know it'll be different this time if you just stay"


Ash- Sometimes : "I miss your soft skin beside me at night and I miss your flesh in the dawn light but sometimes it happens, feelings die. Whole years are lost in the blink of an eye. We once had it all but events conspired. Oh, sometimes"


Below is a poem Angela Ng in the U.S. sent to me as an encouragement to me. Thank you, Angela. Really.



¨§» ä.ŋ.g.e.£.äxOxO «§¨ ..* sent 4/10/2007 7:16 AM:
Feeling as if ur heart would break,
Stinging words, u had lashed out.
The tears u held, so deep within,
Revealed ur anguish and doubt.
They cut as if a two-edged sword.
u fought the emotions within.
but, in the recesses of ur mind,
words echoed time and again.
In the stillness of the night,
u knelt to v0ice ur plea.
within ur soul, u plainly heard,
"Fear not, because He sees."

¨§» ä.ŋ.g.e.£.äxOxO «§¨ ..* sent 4/10/2007 7:17 AM:
He knows ur deepest heartaches.
Unnoticed? Not even one.
He's interceding for u,
For, u see, He's God's own Son.
There's nothing that could be hidden.
All things lay before HIm bare.
Toss ur burdens on the Lord.
He love u and He cares.
Choose to walk in love and joy.
Let ur heart be filled with peace.
All ur pain will soon recede,
Just remember that He sees.


Surrendering every heartache unto Him for when we are at our weakest point, He is closest to us.

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Angels in My Circle of Friends

Let's start off with Me. The picture on the left is Me. I am Kimberly a.k.a. kimkim a.k.a. kimmy. I am an out-going person. Would always wanna meet new friends out there. I am known as joyful and bubbly because I am always laughing my head off over nothing which yes, I know, you must be thinking that I am crazy. Surprisingly, I didn't know I brought joy to people around me.You wouldn't know how happy am I to hear that from my friends around me.It makes me feel so happy to know that my sakai-ness is actually contagious!! Laugh out loud!!.. Well, sometimes, I prefer to be alone at home. Whenever I'm bitter or depressed I would keep it all deep inside. I do not want to ruined the atmosphere and thus, I leave all the bad things at home.

The piggy sisters are some of my angels in my life. Have been through thick and thin together. There are all my high school friends. We've been through high school days together. That age when most of us stand up for each other, enjoyed moments together and even fight over stupid stuff. We still laugh over it!! Thank God that our friendship still exist till now. We are still keeping in touch and we are proud of it!!



















My other angels are my church friends!! They are blessings to me. I thank God so much for giving me the opportunity to know such great friends. They have been there all the time all these years. I've grown a lot in my spiritual walk with God and also have grown more mature in my character. They are all gifted people and are the ones who have been constantly reminding me that in their eyes and of course God's eyes, I'm beautiful in every way. They did not look down on me and always encourage me. Thanks guys!! I love you guys so very much!! Muax!!



The pictures below are all untouchable memories I have with my college friends. Friends that I've known in KDU College, a place I never thought I would meet friends like them. These friends are the ones who spread the sakai disease to me. I will always remember the good times we have all spent together..










So many pictures i wanna upload but I am getting tired here already. Laugh.. No matter what I will always remember all the memories I had with you guys!!

-Untouchable Memories-

Saturday, April 7, 2007

WELCOME




Welcome to my bloggy.




This is not my first blog though, i have one in friendster. I've got addicted to blogging here because of peer pressure. Everyone around me started a blog and my girl-friends all have cool blogs dealing with HTML codes and blogskins/imeem.com/imageshack.us etc. Sigh..







As a beginner, i gotta choose the skin from blogskins.com. So many to choose from. I chose one which is about Miss & Tragedy but i don't like the way we gotta look into the box to view the entries, links, profile etc. Also, I have lots of things I am not sure on how to do. I read the HTML codes till my eyes so blurry already. I gave up finally!! Give me headache only!! I thank God for one of my best buddy, Anne. I purposely went and visit her and we start all over again with choosing a new skin, editing the HTML codes, adding this and that to make my blog look more gothic.. haha..







And so... this is my blog. The skin Anne and I chose. Yes, I know..It doesn't look like me. I should choose a lovey-dovey, sweet, cute and pink skin. Well, i have a reason choosing this skin though. It is more of the hidden me. The much more different side of me. Most of you thought that I am the joyful, bubbly and always laughing kinda girl. You are not wrong. I am like that. To be much more logical here, there are times I am not cheerful, there are times I have problems but as always I will keep it all deep in My Little Heart. So, this is where My Little Heart Speaks. I know most of you will be in shock to see me say things like Bitch, I don't like you, evil stuff. Well, this is what i said the evil side of me. EVIL ME.




So, feel free to visit around. Read the terms , read about me, look at my pictures, read my entries, listen to my music, visit my dar'links and play with my chocopets. Laugh.. Just move them around with your mouse. Well, I just don't see the point of having pets here but they came with the skin i chose, so.. It's stupid, i know.







There will be more entries coming up. Just be patient with me because I don't have that discipline to update this brand new baby here frequently. Thank you for reading up to this point.




-hearts-