It has been raining these days. In the mornings. The best part of all is that I don't have to wake up like other school children, college/ uni students and working people at this hour, I don't have to go through a wet morning and of course traffic jams everywhere.

The alarm clock went RRRiiinngggg!!! I didn't bother. I hate that alarm clock, anyway. Then I heard my mother disarmed the alarm system, switched off the air-cond in every room and off she went waking up my lil' sister and lil' brother. I opened my eyes, looking at the ceiling and then staring blank into space. I can hear my brother and sister rushing here and there. preparing themselves for school.

I wrapped myself with my comforter. It is so cold. I can see raindrops from the window behind me. I can hear thunder striking here and there. I want to go back to sleep but I can't. I began wasting my entire morning thinking.. thinking..

About what??

About my life. About me.

The beginning of this year was terrible. I started this year with the feeling of hatred, anger and depressed. So many unhappy events happened. I feel so pathetic and i symphatized myself. In the year 2006, i remembered me being really joyful. Really. This year, I cried a lot. I shed pails of tears. I cried my heart out. Like Justin Timberlake's song title " Cry Me A river"...(maybe not a river, but a stream.. LOL)

Only God knows how much burden, hurt and insecure i've felt. I remembered telling myself how terrible my life is. I look at things negatively. I feel so low of myself. I asked God Why?

Seven months have passed. These seven months may be a blink of an eye to many of you readers but not me. As i looked back from the starting of this year till now, I'm starting to feel kind of proud of myself. In these seven months, I fell into a deep hole, hurt myself badly and cried a lot. However, I've learnt to stay strong, stand up again, be positive and try my best to climb out of that hole. God played a major role in helping me to grow up and rise up.

I remembered Pastor Evonne prayed for me during one of the altar call. At that time before the altar call, I was still very down and negative about stuff. I didn't even wanna talk to God. I was angry at Him. The only reason i went out for the altar call was because I realized God was my last hope. She prayed for me and the only sentence i could hear from her other than her prayer was "Kimberly, God wants to share your burden." Right after that, I can feel all the burden and heaviness in my heart was lifted up.

I went through these seven months with patience, faith and hope.

I saw sunlight beaming through the same window behind me. Wow, I've been thinking for an hour plus. It's drizzling now. I rolled to my right and look down on to the floor. I saw my Purpose Driven Life book right beside my bible, notebook and Murdoch and RMIT booklets and pamphelets I've been looking through for the past one week. They are all right on top of my new pile of jeans i've bought to start off my degree. I've been reading this Purpose Driven Life book for the past nights. It is a big thing for Canaan Church and I gotta be serious about reading this book for 40 days. It is not an accident that I come across this book but it was planned by God. I love this book and I've learnt a lot about what God thinks. All the problems I'm going through is a test from God. It is through His grace that we will go through these problems because He wants us to pass this test.

Seven months have passed. Through His grace, I've graduated with a Diploma. I've completed a milestone and have another milestone to reach for which is my degree. So what if there is a financial constraint? God will provide. Things will get better. The thing here is, my problems didn't change neither get better. The only thing that has changed is actually me. I will be cheerful and joyful like i used to be. God granted me Friends that I can't thank Him enough.

Just by hearing them laugh, joke around and monkey around makes me cherish and love them even more.

Whenever i need a friend to give me "Everything is going to be fine HUG" they are always there.

I feel so blessed to have them. Each and every single one of them.

Being strong inside doesn't mean that some of you can assume that I'm feelingless. I'm still very fragile.. vulnerable. I'm trying my best to stay as strong as possible. I still allow myself to cry once in a while.

I've boxed everything up. Every single memory.

You know, sometimes it is even harder to love than to hate. Hating can be tiring. Why punish yourself by being so angry at someone who might not even remember that he had hurt you once? But, loving can be as tiring as that. I don't even know what i'm saying... Maybe what i'm trying to say is pouring LOVE to someone who doesn't deserve your LOVE is much more tiring than anything else. It is so ironic to be in dreamland or fairytale land today and back to the reality world tomorrow. And as cliche as it sounds, they say time does heal but we just do not know when. Stop saying things like if you want to heal, just heal... it is not that easy.

Looking at the time displayed on my handphone screen. It says it's time to get up, you pig!!

HAHA..

Well, it has stopped raining.. finally.. the same with my heart's cry/ cry of my heart.. it has stopped. Everytime it rains, it just remind me of my hurts and scars.