I watched You've Got Mail today and there's this particular quote that I find really relevant to myself, or rather, the situation I'm in.

"I fell in love with a dream"

What's my dream?


In my dream,
There was only me and you,
It was me in your warm secure arms,
Your lips on mine,
Under the sky filled with stars whom are also the witnesses of this passionate love.
Anything the world throws at us,
It is you who have always given me all the strength i need  to hold on.


In my dream,
There is always assurance,
No chance for any doubt,
There is always give and take,
No chance for any selfishness.


In my dream,
It's always romance, laughter and intimacy,
Although there are times when it's always debates and tantrums,
There's always words of encouragement, understanding and honesty.




In reality,
No matter how much we believe,
In love, faith and hope,
It was you who has given up un believing... in us.




I have been working in this firm for 2.5 months now. Another half a month it will be the end of my probation and thus, I will be a permanent staff from then on. These 2 months passed me by in a blink of eye, however, many event has taken place within these 2 months. Whether it's a personal or non-personal agenda, it has happened.


"Working life has made my life so routined now" - those whom have been hanging out with me lately will sure to hear me repeat this phrase over and over again. This show how true this is. I've always been questioning people around me if this is normal. There is only one answer - Yes, it's working life-lar.
Look, we've been studying so hard, like hell (literally) just to get a better future. IS THIS THE FUTURE I'VE BEEN WORKING SO HARD FOR?


Yes, I do feel lost. You may call this a transition from uni to the workforce.

1. You wake up the same time every morning. Wash up. Sun beginning to rise. Get stuck in the morning traffic jam. Get sardined in the elevator. Work begins. Lunch time. Back to work. Dark sky, no sunset. Get stuck in the traffic jam (again). Home. Sleep and start all over again.
2. Your social circle gets smaller and smaller. Friends? What friends? Weekends? It's either rest or work. 
3. Life is meaningless and boring.

I admit I've always tell myself that it's a wrong decision to return to Malaysia. All my friends are back in Australia. I'm serving actively in the church there. I've gotten accustomed to the lifestyle there. There is home, here is ... I don't know. If you've read my previous post two months ago, I've mentioned that when I was returning to this place, my mindset was innocently thinking that this place is how it was when I left two years ago. Well, obviously, it's not. Things changed. The worse thing that I've feared most has happened - Loneliness. I fear loneliness and it has happened.


It was hell. Honestly, I never thought that I will ever be lonely. That is because, back then, I have loads of friends with healthy relationships. I'm well pampered by everyone. Everyone likes me (i believe). I'm a nice person. I'm friendly. I'm bubbly. My phone was always ringing with invitation to drinks, shopping, karaoke, parties. I'm actively involved in church events. Even when I was in Aussie, I was never really lonely as well.


How ironic that I feel so lonely now. It has heavily affected me, my personality, my believes. I'm much quiet now. I rarely smile or laugh. I'm isolating myself. I'm getting into serious arguments with my parents. I hated everything in life. In my eyes, the sky is always grey and gloomy. I am starting to believe that God has forgotten about me.


And finally when the last bombshell has fallen on me, I was crushed and broken. I was at the lowest point in my life. Tears that flowed was never ending. Walls around me crumbled. Time seemed to have stopped. I have nothing in life. God has abandoned me. No.


It is so true that when you're at the lowest, God is at the nearest. I turned to God for help. I pleaded to Him to take all these sorrows away.  I could see myself sitting down in a corner, holding my knees. Then, I could feel God embrace me with love. Every tear I cried hurts him so. Miraculously, this is the moment where God does 'His thing'. God delivered me from my sufferings and sorrows, my deprived self. I'm filled with joy once again I smile from the heart once again. My family embraced me with their love, being there for me at this point in my life. My friends started to call and keep in touch without them knowing anything that has happened in my life. I am starting to open up my heart once again after two months of isolation. I'm starting anew.


I'm starting anew. I'm not going reinvent my lifestyle. There will be worklife balance. No isolation anymore. I'm not going to punish myself for all the sorrows that has come upon me. I want to honor Him once again by first getting back on track with my walk with Him and then serve him with whatever I have. I'm gonna live by God's grace and mercy. I will have love,faith and hope without doubting Him anymore. Whatever that is going to happen, whatever in front, I will strive thru it by His strength. 


I do feel energetic now. There's a lot of things which I wanna do. I want to take on a new challenge ie: Complete my Grade 8 Piano, get a Diploma in Music, join British Council book club.. read good novels, polish up my english and be a freelance journalist or writer, learn to drive the manual car all over again (it's a skill i always hope to master as a girl esp), art and craft skill - a weekend hobby and do some gardening. I've actually bought  some daisy seeds and gonna start on it tomorrow. Yup, a whole load of burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I do at times always think of all the 'what if-s' and ' I wants', It's hard. It's tough but there's nothing I could do. Just surrender.


I am excited to know what has God instored for me in each and every day of my life. Tomorrow is the day I'm hoping with all my heart that God will open a door for me, to start anew. I deeply feel that it's the beginning of everything.


Please Father, I plead.


xoxo