Disappointed...

That's all i can say...

Out of the blue, you are saying that you can't take it? You say you don't know me anymore and I've changed? The fact is I think you are the one who have changed because things has always been like this since day one.

Why do people change? Why is it so damn hard to maintain good relationships with others? People expect so much from me all the time. All i wanted is to have a comfortable and enjoyable relationship with them and when things change, I just can't keep up and i will be back to square one.

The thing is as we grow, we will change. Change in everything. For example, your taste in some things won't be the same anymore, your style, your opinion on things and lots more. Change for the better or not depends on different individual. Friends who grew up together will also communicate and treat each other differently than last time.

I have learnt to be realistic and i can't be even more realistic than now. I've always thought that people who i perceived as sincere and i can relate to is actually not as 'angelic' as i thought they would be. Hypocrites are everywhere around me. Even in the most 'saint' place, yes, there are many of them. Are there anyone besides God and our family that can be perceived as sincere?

I'm disappointed once again.

There is a devil that I heart. I tried very hard to pour Love to this devil. This devil actually turned into an angel but for a very short period of time. So, this angel turned devil again is somewhere out there. I'm waiting for this devil to come back and turn into an angel again. I'm waiting and still is. Throughout this 'waiting' period, I have encounter disappointment, hurt, tears, anger, hatred and patience. However, there is still no sign of hope. Not even a glimpse.

I'm still so pathetically waiting for maybe nothing. I'm still dwelling in the past. I'm disappointed that you've changed so drastically. I look like a pathetic fool now. I didn't know that it will hurt so much. I have a devil beside me. A devil that can make me so happy once and also make me cry in pain. A devil which i can't hate anymore...

Things that sucks in life has turned my heart numb. Too many emotions that i have encounter. When all emotions come together, my heart turned numb. That numbness where your heart just can't feel a thing anymore. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say here. I am really feeling it. It is like a heart which can't express anymore. No more tears to cry, can't hate anymore, can't get angry any further and fake laughter starts to come in.

Maybe it is good that my heart feels like that. Maybe it is part of the healing process. God has been good to me in many things. Every tear i cried matters to Him. He has been there with me in my secret place comforting me. He has been there through it all. Jesus is my joy. God, please make a miracle here...

-if tears made you pretty, i'd be the prettiest girl alive...-

-no, i'm not sad..no, i'm not angry..i'm just disappointed...-