Allowing yourself to love = Allowing yourself to get hurt + Learning to let go

This is what i've concluded...

You get hurt because only your loved ones will hurt you the most. Learning to let go is when it is actually time to actually, really really let go. So, don't allow yourself to love when you are not truly ready. I MEAN IT!!

People said that my blog here seems very depressing. Yes, like I've said, this blog is where you not only see my happy-go-lucky kind of character but also the different side of me. People say that it is fake to keep that smile and laughter for 24/7. I am no faker, I just wanna be remembered that way and not ruin the atmosphere when I am with my friends. However, I am also human, so other than my secret place with God, here is also a place where I sorta express a little but not too personal though.

My little heart has a little wish where no matter how i shout it out to the world, nobody seems to hear me out. I feel so small at times, i really do.. I pray at night, desperately, cry my little heart out till dreamland calls me. The dream was so real, in my dreamland, everything turns out the way i wanted it to be. I don't wanna wake up. It's so nice in there. Is there any chance my fairytale could be my reality?

I have a wound in my little heart where it is recovering really slowly. I don't dare to touch this wound for I am afraid that this wound will get infected by bacteria and will get worse and worst, never heal.. never ever.. Yes, I'm avoiding from touching this wound. I don't wanna feel that hurt in me and I wonder will i ever heal? I know i will, but when? I don't wanna pretend, it is tiring, really... And how much will the hurt disappear? Will it leave a scar in my little heart?

This is my reality. Hurt, it is a big word to me. It is like this person(HURT) is trying to test my hurt level. Like how high my hurt level could hit in order to get points. This deep hole is so deep, I can't climb out of it. Not for now..

Letting go is near to impossible because I am not following the 'so-called guidelines' from my previous post. Following them is also equals to impossible because I am not that kind of person to just delete someone from my memory. I'm not a computer. Just delete that file to the rubbish bin and then delete it totally from there. I hate myself for being myself. Hate my nature that leads to hurting myself.

I know I am not the only one who is going through this phase. I can't believe I am going through this phase. It seems like people around me do not understand the exact hurt I am going through. It is getting annoying that people just say template advices like "Just get over it" , " Just forget about it" . What?! You people don't seem to understand. Okay, maybe you try to understand but the word JUST doesn't seem to fit in. I can't JUST forget or get over it. Sigh..Major sigh.. Maybe it is best if you just leave me alone for now. Don't wanna hear anymore advices. JUST let God talk to me.

I am very disappointed with some people around me. Not elaborating much. Just plain disappointed. I don't care if you are disappointed with me too because if you are, you started it.

bITTERness StriKes again...