Monday, May 17, 2010

I watched Fireproof (2008) over the weekend and got surprised that it's actually a Christian movie which also touches my heart. I find it relevant and believe that it's not a coincidence that this movie appealed to me while I was changing channels, one from another, in a hot afternoon.

The title itself ie: Fireproof gave me the impression of a violent story line, with gunshots, gang fights etc.Okay it does have something to do with fire and firefighters.
I wasn't in the mood for this kind of genre but somehow, i decided to read the synopsis of the movie. It is a romance genre and I was still not interested. So odd of me, right? I always have a soft spot for love stories, maybe it's just the heat that is a major turn off! So, I continued changing channels in hope of bumping into something that fits my mood and cool me down. Finally, I find myself ironically getting çomfortable, lying on the floor with a pillows around me - getting into a 'late-night movie mode'.

Synopsis: In Albany, the marriage of Caleb end Catherine Holt is in crisis and they decide to divorce. However, Caleb's father, John, proposes that his son delays their separation process for forty days and follow a procedure called "The Love Dare" to make them love each other again.

To get things clear, I'm not reviewing on the movie but more of the message I've retrieved from it. As mentioned, I believe that it is of no coincidence that God has planned for me to watch this movie over the weekend.

As I'm more of a 'quote' person, i think the below quote touches my heart:

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John Holt: Caleb, if I had to ask you why you're so frustrated with Catherine, what would you say?


Caleb Holt: She's stubborn. She makes everything difficult for me. She's ungrateful. She's constantly griping about something.


John Holt: Has she thanked you for anything you've done in the last 20 days?


Caleb Holt: No! And you'd think after I washed the car, changed the oil, do the dishes, washed the house, that she would try to show me a little bit of gratitude, but she doesn't. In fact, when I come home, she makes me feel like I'm an enemy! I'm not even welcome in my own home, dad! That is what really ticks me off! Dad, for the last three weeks I have bent over backwards for her! I have tried to demonstrate that I still care about this relationship. I bought her flowers, which she threw away. I have taken her insults and her sarcasm, but last night was it. I made dinner for her. I did everything I could to demonstrate that I care about her, to show value for her, and she spat in my face! She does not deserve this, dad! I am not doing it anymore! How am I supposed to show love to somebody over and over and over, who constantly rejects me?


John Holt: [John Holt strokes the wooden cross, and turns to Caleb] That's a good question.


Caleb Holt: Dad, that is not what I'm doing.


John Holt: Is it?


Caleb Holt: No. Dad, that is not what this is about.


John Holt: Son, you just asked me: how can someone show love over and over again when they're constantly rejected? Caleb, the answer is: you can't love her, because you can't give her what you don't have. I couldn't truly love your mother until I understood what love truly was. It's not because I get some reward out of it. I've now made a decision to love your mother whether she deserves it or not. Son, God loves you, even though you don't deserve it. Even though you've rejected Him. Spat in His face. God sent Jesus to die on the cross for your sin, because He loves you. The cross was offensive to me, until I came to it. But when I did, Jesus Christ changed my life. That's when I truly began to love your mom. Son, I can't settle this for you. This is between you and the Lord. But I love you too much not to tell you the truth. Can't you see that you need Him? Can't you see that you need His forgiveness?


Caleb Holt: Yes.


John Holt: Will you trust Him with your life?


[Caleb nods; yes]
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I admit that there are many, countless times where I've rejected God when my life crumbles down at me. I've lose faith many times but yet, here I am, back to His embrace, His loving eyes. No matter how many time's I've turned away and rejected Him, He still looked at us lovingly and forgives me. God is worthy and I'm so utterly unworthy of Him to have died for my sins and shame.

In the movie, when Caleb found God, he learns what is LOVE. He asked for God's forgiveness sincerely and prayed earnestly, desperately waiting on Him. He knelt down on both knees and prayed. He trusted God wholeheartedly. I find myself in a somewhat same situation as Caleb in this movie. He is at his lowest point, he is crushed, often frustrated in life, then he found God and submitted himself in His mercy and grace. He waited on Him, and this is what I've learned over the weekend. 

With nothing but bad events taken place in turn and more to come, how is it possible for me to even have a glimpse of hope? There's no sign of light that will lead me out of this dark tunnel. There is no future, there is no my future. Look how little faith I have even though God only require faith as small as a mustard seed?

I am still seeking for His forgiveness for all my doubts and little faith. Till this day, there are times when I've got so frustrated, I want out from everything. It is so tough going through all this alone. It requires loads of mature-ness in me to think rationally and not go by my own emotions. There are days where I'm filled with joy for I'm reminded of the hope He has planned out for me. However, it does not last. I'm really vulnerable now, inside out but I can't show this side of me or rather, I do not want to give in to this side of me. The scars in me are forever visible and I do understand that in this lifetime, there will be more events that would pour salt in this wound and this is just the beginning. How sad, right?

At the end of the day, God gave us choices. A choice to lead this life with Him or without Him, by your own strength or by His strength?

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Caleb Holt: If there's a God out there somewhere, he's not interested in me and my problems.


John Holt: I disagree. I'd say he's very interested.

Caleb Holt: Then where's he been in my life?

John Holt: I'd say he's been at work all around you. You just haven't realized it. You haven't exactly given him an open invitation.

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At this moment, I'm thinking about bits and pieces of a song where the lyrics makes me tear:
Before the world began,
You were on His mind,
And every tear you cry,
Is precious in His eyes,
Because of His great love,
He gave His only Son,
Everything was done,
So you would come.

Come to the Father,Though your gift is small,
Broken hearts, broken lives,
He will take them all,
The power of His Word, The power of His Love,
Everything was done,
So you would come.
 He died for my sins, He gave up everything for me. Who am I to complain on and on about the price I have to pay for being His instrument.

I am broken but still holding on to all the pieces, in hope that I'll be able to glue them back again.
A day at a time, a day at a time, kim. be forever thankful and grateful that God loves you no matter how
broken you are..

xoxo

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I watched You've Got Mail today and there's this particular quote that I find really relevant to myself, or rather, the situation I'm in.
"I fell in love with a dream"
What's my dream?


In my dream,
There was only me and you,
It was me in your warm secure arms,
Your lips on mine,
Under the sky filled with stars whom are also the witnesses of this passionate love.
Anything the world throws at us,
It is you who have always given me all the strength i need  to hold on.


In my dream,
There is always assurance,
No chance for any doubt,
There is always give and take,
No chance for any selfishness.


In my dream,
It's always romance, laughter and intimacy,
Although there are times when it's always debates and tantrums,
There's always words of encouragement, understanding and honesty.




In reality,
No matter how much we believe,
In love, faith and hope,
It was you who has given up un believing... in us.




I have been working in this firm for 2.5 months now. Another half a month it will be the end of my probation and thus, I will be a permanent staff from then on. These 2 months passed me by in a blink of eye, however, many event has taken place within these 2 months. Whether it's a personal or non-personal agenda, it has happened.


"Working life has made my life so routined now" - those whom have been hanging out with me lately will sure to hear me repeat this phrase over and over again. This show how true this is. I've always been questioning people around me if this is normal. There is only one answer - Yes, it's working life-lar.
Look, we've been studying so hard, like hell (literally) just to get a better future. IS THIS THE FUTURE I'VE BEEN WORKING SO HARD FOR?


Yes, I do feel lost. You may call this a transition from uni to the workforce.
  1. You wake up the same time every morning. Wash up. Sun beginning to rise. Get stuck in the morning traffic jam. Get sardined in the elevator. Work begins. Lunch time. Back to work. Dark sky, no sunset. Get stuck in the traffic jam (again). Home. Sleep and start all over again.
  2. Your social circle gets smaller and smaller. Friends? What friends? Weekends? It's either rest or work. 
  3. Life is meaningless and boring.
I admit I've always tell myself that it's a wrong decision to return to Malaysia. All my friends are back in Australia. I'm serving actively in the church there. I've gotten accustomed to the lifestyle there. There is home, here is ... I don't know. If you've read my previous post two months ago, I've mentioned that when I was returning to this place, my mindset was innocently thinking that this place is how it was when I left two years ago. Well, obviously, it's not. Things changed. The worse thing that I've feared most has happened - Loneliness. I fear loneliness and it has happened.


It was hell. Honestly, I never thought that I will ever be lonely. That is because, back then, I have loads of friends with healthy relationships. I'm well pampered by everyone. Everyone likes me (i believe). I'm a nice person. I'm friendly. I'm bubbly. My phone was always ringing with invitation to drinks, shopping, karaoke, parties. I'm actively involved in church events. Even when I was in Aussie, I was never really lonely as well.


How ironic that I feel so lonely now. It has heavily affected me, my personality, my believes. I'm much quiet now. I rarely smile or laugh. I'm isolating myself. I'm getting into serious arguments with my parents. I hated everything in life. In my eyes, the sky is always grey and gloomy. I am starting to believe that God has forgotten about me.


And finally when the last bombshell has fallen on me, I was crushed and broken. I was at the lowest point in my life. Tears that flowed was never ending. Walls around me crumbled. Time seemed to have stopped. I have nothing in life. God has abandoned me. No.


It is so true that when you're at the lowest, God is at the nearest. I turned to God for help. I pleaded to Him to take all these sorrows away.  I could see myself sitting down in a corner, holding my knees. Then, I could feel God embrace me with love. Every tear I cried hurts him so. Miraculously, this is the moment where God does 'His thing'. God delivered me from my sufferings and sorrows, my deprived self. I'm filled with joy once again I smile from the heart once again. My family embraced me with their love, being there for me at this point in my life. My friends started to call and keep in touch without them knowing anything that has happened in my life. I am starting to open up my heart once again after two months of isolation. I'm starting anew.


I'm starting anew. I'm not going reinvent my lifestyle. There will be worklife balance. No isolation anymore. I'm not going to punish myself for all the sorrows that has come upon me. I want to honor Him once again by first getting back on track with my walk with Him and then serve him with whatever I have. I'm gonna live by God's grace and mercy. I will have love,faith and hope without doubting Him anymore. Whatever that is going to happen, whatever in front, I will strive thru it by His strength. 


I do feel energetic now. There's a lot of things which I wanna do. I want to take on a new challenge ie: Complete my Grade 8 Piano, get a Diploma in Music, join British Council book club.. read good novels, polish up my english and be a freelance journalist or writer, learn to drive the manual car all over again (it's a skill i always hope to master as a girl esp), art and craft skill - a weekend hobby and do some gardening. I've actually bought  some daisy seeds and gonna start on it tomorrow. Yup, a whole load of burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I do at times always think of all the 'what if-s' and ' I wants', It's hard. It's tough but there's nothing I could do. Just surrender.


I am excited to know what has God instored for me in each and every day of my life. Tomorrow is the day I'm hoping with all my heart that God will open a door for me, to start anew. I deeply feel that it's the beginning of everything.


Please Father, I plead.


xoxo