I've not been honest to myself.

I've been telling myself that this is what it should be, this is the most logical decision. How true is that, I have totally no clue. I am up to the point of convincing myself that this is what I want, I am happy.

Maybe I'm still young, immature, selfishly thinking of myself and not others. Thinking what I want, what I desire, what would make me feel happy. I'm so selfish and mean for blaming everyone else for a decision that I MADE! I still can't "swallow down" the fact that I've made my loved ones around me miserable these few months.

I want to run away, I want to find an escape route.

Have you ever made a decision because everyone supports it and you know it's sensible but at the end of the day, you are not happy at all but you can't take the risk of doing the alternative because you are afraid of failing? I'm feeling like that now.

But, where should i run to? What happens if my selfish desire leads to another "hot pot"? What if i fail in life? I have no one to blame on my failures but myself. It seems like nobody would understand. How ironic that I don't even understand myself. What the hell do I ACTUALLY want? It's like trying to paint an art piece and you have no idea how to start, what you want to paint. The reason I'm still walking this path is because I'm a coward. I don't dare to take the risk of making a decision that nobody obviously will not support me in and then fail.

What is happy?

I don't even dare to be a little sad.

It feels as though there will never be a slight light at the end of the tunnel I'm walking through. It's as if I've lost the game of life. Choices I'm making in life is so superficial, merely to survive on earth. A little happiness is unattainable.

Recently, I've unveiled a memory that I've kept so deeply in my heart for these few years. I have no choice but to unlock this memory, painful memory. It's like my 'lil angel' has come to life again. Everything felt so real. My heart stops when i unlocked these memories one by one. Images starts to form, flashbacks crossed my mind. I tried really hard to stop everything but my heart took control. I can't sleep that night. My mind was filled with these memories. My heart desire to be in these memories once again. Slowly, the pain crawled in and I felt the pain once again. How hurt was I back then, how i do not want to feel that anymore.

I felt that I'm setting myself on fire again.I'm pushing my loved one away. Is it because of my selfish desire too? I feel horrible. This is not what I want it to be. I know that I seek attention all the time, it's just me. Yes, i'm selfish, but I think i've been very understanding. Sometimes I wonder how much more apart can we get? I do not want my emotions to run my life.

How i pray things will get better soon.

I want my pink.

xoxo