Okay, I've finally acknowledged the minor adjustment error with regards to my blog. As you can see, I've surrendered to endless html codes. Kimmy raising the white flag, alas!! I'm now using Blogspot template design and in my opinion, it's a decent skin. It's a simple black skin. In fact, I've always love the colour black. It's elegant. It complement my top favourite colour, pink. As you can see, I've made my blog very personal this time, with no links to whatever, not even friends' blogs.

Well, that's my life now..i guess. I know, definitely others would agree with me that I've kinda isolated myself. I've not been a friendly friend. Yup, I agree. Why? I can't agree more that things change, relationship changes. Relationship does wither. Whether it's me who have changed or not, it's not for me to judge. You may have heard or experienced this: When one leaves the country for a long time and returned, things and relationship changed. I've had experiences in this matter playing both part of the relationship ie: people in my life left me behind and I've also left people behind. Many would say that those who left and returned often enough changed, but I do have people who thinks vice versa.

I've tried to fit in. It wasn't exactly successful. Maybe I was to naive to think that things will be exactly the same as when I left. I am guilty as well for I didn't make the effort as much as the others did. I'm just too exhausted to try to fit in, to start all over again. I do feel very tired, very very tired. I think it's psychological. I made myself like this. I want to be depressed. It makes me feel better. I'm tired of living in denial. Denying the fact that I'm not alright. I am not happy at all. I am not strong, why act like I am indeed strong at all? I've come to a realization that I'm trying to make people around me feel good, but not me.

I don't know what I'm seeking. I don't even know who am I anymore. Laugh! According to my family, I'm a selfish person. A person who only thinks about herself, her wants and needs. I do believe in their perception of me. I do feel like a shit. However, sometimes I feel that I have the right to prioritize myself, to look after myself, to make myself happy. How funny that what makes me happy, makes the whole wide world unhappy. What a sacrifice I have to make for the world. Sacrifice my own happiness. The big word here is RESPONSIBILITY. You might think that I'm being childish right now. Ah, I really don't care anymore. I don't even know how to smile from my heart with that glow anymore. I'm starting to lose my appetite bit by bit. I'm trusting God wholeheartedly for a miracle, for Him to make things right.

As I've mentioned above, yes, I'm isolating myself, intentionally. I'm not catching up with people or building any relationships. It just makes me sad, all I want is to get myself busy and tired so that I could sleep at night without crying to sleep, thus I hate the holidays because it's never a happy one. I'm not exaggerating here, but my little heart is really feeling sad. Sometimes I cried while eating and beginning to swallow my food hard. Once, my mum saw and she felt my pain but all she says is to accept my circumstances around me.

It just feels like a huge stone in my heart. Like a cancer, killing me slowly. When I walk in the streets or shopping malls, I deeply wonder how could people be so happy about their lives when the sky is so ever gray, with not a single star at night?

Well, what can I do? NOTHING. Really nothing that I can do. Wait, there is one.

Although I do not know how to move on in life yet right now, I'm just gonna take a step at a time. Whatever God has provided and is still providing, I'm just gonna take it and slowly, by faith, I hope I could see that light end of this long dreadful tunnel.

xoxo

I've not been honest to myself.

I've been telling myself that this is what it should be, this is the most logical decision. How true is that, I have totally no clue. I am up to the point of convincing myself that this is what I want, I am happy.

Maybe I'm still young, immature, selfishly thinking of myself and not others. Thinking what I want, what I desire, what would make me feel happy. I'm so selfish and mean for blaming everyone else for a decision that I MADE! I still can't "swallow down" the fact that I've made my loved ones around me miserable these few months.

I want to run away, I want to find an escape route.

Have you ever made a decision because everyone supports it and you know it's sensible but at the end of the day, you are not happy at all but you can't take the risk of doing the alternative because you are afraid of failing? I'm feeling like that now.

But, where should i run to? What happens if my selfish desire leads to another "hot pot"? What if i fail in life? I have no one to blame on my failures but myself. It seems like nobody would understand. How ironic that I don't even understand myself. What the hell do I ACTUALLY want? It's like trying to paint an art piece and you have no idea how to start, what you want to paint. The reason I'm still walking this path is because I'm a coward. I don't dare to take the risk of making a decision that nobody obviously will not support me in and then fail.

What is happy?

I don't even dare to be a little sad.

It feels as though there will never be a slight light at the end of the tunnel I'm walking through. It's as if I've lost the game of life. Choices I'm making in life is so superficial, merely to survive on earth. A little happiness is unattainable.

Recently, I've unveiled a memory that I've kept so deeply in my heart for these few years. I have no choice but to unlock this memory, painful memory. It's like my 'lil angel' has come to life again. Everything felt so real. My heart stops when i unlocked these memories one by one. Images starts to form, flashbacks crossed my mind. I tried really hard to stop everything but my heart took control. I can't sleep that night. My mind was filled with these memories. My heart desire to be in these memories once again. Slowly, the pain crawled in and I felt the pain once again. How hurt was I back then, how i do not want to feel that anymore.

I felt that I'm setting myself on fire again.I'm pushing my loved one away. Is it because of my selfish desire too? I feel horrible. This is not what I want it to be. I know that I seek attention all the time, it's just me. Yes, i'm selfish, but I think i've been very understanding. Sometimes I wonder how much more apart can we get? I do not want my emotions to run my life.

How i pray things will get better soon.

I want my pink.

xoxo

Hey people, Kimmy's back from Perth for good. Yay!! It has been a week since I've returned from Perth and I am slowly adjusting back to the lifestyle in Malaysia, hot hot hot Malaysia. Many people has questioned my sudden return. Many thought that I would stay in Perth for good since I love it so much there. Love?? Really? I still remember it was this very day, 26th July 2008 that i step foot in Perth and have decided that I'm gonna just get done with my studies here and get the hell out of here. You see, I have everthing back in Malaysia, family and friends. In Perth, I have to start all over again in such a strange and quiet place.

How wrong was I..

God is just so AMAZING. Studying abroad in Perth was one experience I will never ever forget. I've went through a lot, ups and downs, everything. I've never been so happy and sad in my life. Yes, my emotions went wild, to the extreme. I've never been so happy in my life and also cried so much. I admit i've just realized that i'm a cry baby. Every hiccups i've went through in Perth always consists of tears, whether with regards of exams, assignments, relationships or home sickness. I'm always homesick but I don't wanna come home YET. haha. I've learned a lot over in Perth, such as daily routine stuff like getting groceries, cooking simple edible things, paying bills, travelling around and more. I think im definitely more independent now compared to last time. My final semester was extremely fun and I thank God for blessing me with so many good friends around me that I now consider them as my perth family.

I never thought of leaving Perth, actually. I am so happy in Perth, I don't wanna come home. I want to start a new life with those I love and I believe God really wants to use me here in Perth. I really saw the need. but who am i to limit God? God is much more creative that this. He can use me wherever I am. Due to financial issues, I've finally made the decision to come back to Malaysia. The initial plan to come home should have taken place in September after my convocation but suddenly I was very sick with chest infection. My parents were so worried, they demanded me to come home right away. It was too sudden and I was suddenly forced to prepare my heart to come home immediately. It was not only hard for my friends in Perth but for Yuwin and I. However, all of us handled this very maturely and have came with a consensus mindset that the decision to come home is the most logical decision I've made. The last two weeks of my time in Perth was spent wisely with people I love and cherish. All of us were filled with mixed emotions, happy and sad.

My very last day in Perth was the day my heart got really heavy with feelings that I have to swallow down really reluctantly. It suddenly felt like I can never be happy again. I was filled with guilt that I'm leaving this bunch of people that I truly love and care for. It felt like the colour PINK will never make my heart leap anymore. how dramatic, hey? On my last day in Perth, my friends and i did a whole lot of different things. We went for paintball early in the morning, woke up around 530am and travelled all the way up north. We came back around 4pm and then we went for dinner, had chicken rice at O'connors. After dinner, we all played will flour and made bread. It was raining throughout the night as if the sky is felt the same as my heart did. We enjoyed spending time the whole day and none of us talked about Kim's leaving soon till midnight when we were playing monopoly and getting sleepy. I have to get to the airport at 4am and many of them will be seeing me off. I was really touched but i felt guilty as well because it was a sunday morning and I don't want all of them to be so sleepy in church later on.

Yuwin suggested that we take one last walk around 2am together under the rain. It was lightly drizzling now and we held each others' hands firmly not wanting to let go. Our hearts felt so heavy and the walk to his place seem so short that morning. We didn't talk much throughout the walk.

3am. One more hour to go. Yuwin hugged me. He whispered 'I will miss you' into my ears and planted me a kiss on the cheek. Both of us tried not to cry, trying to be strong for each other. I didn't wanna cry but hot tears started rolling down my cheeks. I gave up trying not to cry, come on.. i've been crying every night ever since I confirmed my air ticket, which was 2 weeks ago. Suddenly, I heard him sobbing. He didn't wanna look into my eyes. He was reluctant to let go. We ended up hugging and crying endlessly.

6am. Gate 5 is now open. My friends and i walked towards the departure gate. I hugged everyone. I looked at them one last time with watery eyes and whispered Goodbye. I went in with tears rolling down endlessly.

715am. Looking out the window, I saw beautiful clouds with the sun beginning to rise right before me. It was so beautiful. I said goodbye to Australia and beginning to flashback on my one year in Perth. I took out all the gifts i've received from my friends. I smiled and vowed not to forget every beautiful memories I've had. I will come back.

1320pm. I walked out of the arrival gate in LCCT, Malaysia. My eyes quickly browse through the crowd and in a sec, I saw my family waving at me and smiling. My mum and dad came and hugged me and said "Welcome home", little tears rolled down as I whispered to my parents, "I'm finally home, Mummy, Daddy." As I was still hugging my parents, i saw a stranger, he looks like a father who smiled at me as he was looking at us hugging as though he felt the same as we did.

It has been exactly a week now. As I am still typing this, tears still formed at the back of my eyes. I still do not know if I've made the right decision. I went for altar call today at church and my pastor prayed for me. As he was still praying, he said, "Kim, trust in the Lord. Stop questioning God. Stop asking why not my way."

I guess I will have to move on in life, whether or not I'm in Perth or in Malaysia. I'm gonna continue to excel in all areas of my life. I'm gonna stay strong and always keep a smile on my face. Gambate, Kim!!!!

To all my Perth friends, I will continue to pray for all of you. You guys will forever be my family and I wish you guys the very best in all your future endeavours and remember that you are very beautiful, precious and unique individuals. I love all of you from the bottom of my heart. I hope to be able to continue sharing life with all of you no matter how far we all are with each other. I will remember you guys, always. Thank you for EVERYTHING.

-xoxo-

PASSION Cell Group, MURDOCH ZONE

Little Moments, Unforgettable Ones..

Special thanks to Jo and Kelv for the videos...

Lord, You are Abosolutely Awesome

-xoxo-

Nick Vujicic

Although born with no arms and legs, Nick has been a faithful servant of God and has been an inspiration to others.

What about us?

Remember, God is not interested whether or not we are capable.. God wants our availability.

Do not wait to be invited to serve, act on it...

This is another video on Dick and Rick Hoyt.

This video made me tear so much.

An expression on God's fatherly love...



Dick Hoyt, a true hero.. a definition of a loving father.

i truly salute you.

-xoxo-

-the bond between us can't be broken-

How can one moment ruin a lifetime of trust?

Our bond is no longer held together by the untouchable memories and experiences we've shared

One snip from the scissors tore us all apart.

I miss the closeness we once have had.

I miss those times when we used to laughed together.

We act like children trapped in an adult appearance

I miss those times when we tickle our funny bones with our never ending sarcasm


When we used to turned to each other

For encouragement, support or even shelter and food

When winter comes, we embraced each other with our warmth


I never said I was perfect

I never said I wanted to be

Why am i being judged for being me?

Why on earth does nobody understand that I just want to be me?

Why should i even choose?

Why am i being forced to please the entire world?


Why must i feel obligated to everyone's demands?


I'm sorry

For all the trouble I've caused

I'm sorry

But I cannot help to be me

All i ask for is for someone to understand that it hurts me too

For being so imperfect.

All i could give is never enough, but please understand that i would never give up trying.

Friendship is not being measured by how much we spend time together,

Friendship is when we know that when we fall, there will be someone that will be there for you.

Friendship is when we know that when we are joyful, there will be someone to rejoice with you.

It is just as simple as that.

Friendship will wither within time

And I will continue to fix the incomplete puzzle.

Forever i will seek the glue to piece this back together.

P.S. Like what you've said, it takes two to tango. However, my efforts will be worthless, when i'm endlessly being pushed away.

-xoxo-

I love Fridays!! It has been always my favourite day ever since God knows when. Fridays always seems to me like Monday is gonna be a long way to come and for now, my week has juz ended, i can finally breathe and relax, laze around till my week starts all over again with classes and classes.

I've just came back from an awesome cell group meeting. Cell group is one that I always look forward to going because I know that even though I'm so tired due to the accumulated stress for the entire week, I can suddenly feel refreshed and rejuvenated with awesome people like the Spammers United and of course really fruitful heated discussion about the bible.


I was actually having slight fever today but after cell group and the usual bubble tea session we have had, I came back energetic and thus decided to blog a little here besides spamming with the spammers via facebook. It really has been an awesome night for me.

God, You are just so amazingly AMAZING. I was doing my devotion and this verse caught my attention tonight:

Isaiah 46: 3-4 :-

I have taken care of you from you birth. Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you. I made you and will take care of you.

I was and am still very touched when i came across this verse. It has struck me that God is just so ever sincere. I mean like, He wasn't even lonely due to His perfect love in the fellowship of the Trinity, but He still created us to LOVE us. How absolutely wonderful He is!!

If God is human, I think He would have a lot of girls falling for Him. Haha.. He is LOVE. From the verse, God says that even when I'm old with gray hair, He would still LOVE me. There is no need for botox when God is just so Lovely. Nevertheless, I do believe that there are people in this world that still love their wife/husband even when they are old or physically challenged. In my opinion, whoever that loves God, loves. Yes, that sums up what I wanted to say thus far.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.

And God wept that it hurt you so;

But it was allowed to shape you heart

So that into his likeness you'd grow - Russell Kelfer

Thank you Father for your grace and mercy You have towards me. Thank you for every day, every minute and every second of my life. Father, check my heart oh lord for any stubborness i have in me. You know me so well Lord and please do forgive me for all my wrongdoings. Forgive me for all my doubts i have had in You. Lord, cast all my burdens away. Take care of my everything. I acknolwedge you in everything that i do, i pray oh lord that you would direct my paths. I pray for all my loved ones, my family and friends that Lord, You will bless them and help them in whatever circumstances they are going through. Lastly, I pray Lord that You will use me as an instrument to fulfill your purposes you have in me. In Jesus name, Amen.

-xoxo-