Tuesday, November 2, 2010

When things are not going your way, where will you head to? A downward spiral?

Sometimes, I don't know whether it's me or the world is going through a bad year.

Just flip through the papers, many unpleasant events have taken place. To name a few, just last week, Indonesia experienced yet another natural disaster.. more like natural disaster(s) with the tsunami and volcano eruption happening at the same time.. Buses in Malaysia are very accident-proned recently. Many people around the world are getting hurt in various ways, be it war, diseases, disasters, emotions.. it hurts.

Hurt is often an effective bondage within us, effectively made healing an impossible remedy. A lil escalated, hey? As human beings, we build defensive walls around us to hide this fact - our insecurities.

"No, I'm not hurt."

Then, distrust begins. We will begin to lose trust on others, because we've been hurt. Defensive nature.

Friends are no friends. Even, family/loved ones should be a suspect. We will begin to think what gossips they've backstabbed us with. Is he/she cheating on my money? Is he/she genuinely my friend? Is he/she looking down on me? Urgh. It's Game on.

To cut it short, we ... no .. you will end up living in your own little room, surrounded by metal walls. At the end of the day, it's ''you'' you're fighting against.

What I'm trying to say is, this is life and this is what i've learnt or still learning.

We can't stop bad things to happen. The lil twirling wind in Perlis state is worrying me loads but life has to go on. Sitting around thinking of which diirection this wind is heading towards will not stop the wind from coming your way.

Attitude, principles are important.

An attitude that portrays a mature self. How you handle the bad situatiion and most importantly - the desire to take the first step, be it, forgiving others, change, adaptation, flexibility - mindset.

I was really down lately with loads of "bad situations" ..  I tend to think that I'm in a point in my life that nobody would ever wanna be in. Everything I complain about often starts with the word "me". I begin to be so defensive. I want to protect myself from bleeding. I slowly became a mean person and at the same time being all negative. Wow, now that im writing this.. i realized the combination of defensive + negative is actually very dangerous.. it actually made me insane for a while. Facing the mean world everyday.. part of growing up into the dog-eat-dog world -  whether it's the working world or the personal world.. whoa!

Then again, God is good. Every moment i'm heading towards that downward spiral, God will send different people into my life at the right time to pull me back to surface. I've learnt to let go and accept people for their sincere side. Yes, I might not agree with everything the world says or even this post (if you disagree).. accept people for their sincerity. Yes, that person might have the tendency to gossip about you, but accept the part of the person that is true to you - say.. being there for you, his/her concern for you.. etc.

Emotion wise - Forgive. You might not forget, but do forgive. It's a big word, it requires big leap of faith. I, myself am working towards it. Yes, it was and still is painful but hey, it's not everything. It's not eveything till the point where you forget yourself. Then again, even when you're working towards forgiveness, the other party might not be able to accept this mere fact. Are you sure you're willing to forgive me? Hmm.. healing takes time, we don't know how long, but it'll heal. Sometimes, it'll get worse.. the other party will get annoyed of the act of forgiveness. Or misunderstandings will take place. At the end of the day, as long as there's a desire to forgive, that matters. Your heart matters. Prioritize that first.

Principles. Sigh. Haven't we heard this enough?

"Don't do to others what you don't want others to do upon you."

Simple example: Don't start or participate in any gossip when you don't wanna be gossiped about.

If you're oe who keep the principle in you, sooner or later people will see that in you.

I also believe in "what goes around, comes around." I've known of someone who used to criticise me A LOT about my weight, and after a few years, he balloooned up and took back his words against me.
Another eg: Whatever you've cheated on ppl, will not last forever. The perfect scenario: Ýou'll get cheated back, all those $$ or whatever aspect with regards to this.

Alas, faith is above all. Why worry about getting hurt or getting dragged into those bad situation when you have SOMEONE who will worry all those for you? Our Big God.

Give Him each perplexing problem,

All your needs to Him make known;

Bring to Him your daily burdens—

Never carry them alone!
 —Adams (Our Daily Bread)

Essentially, this is the main reason why I have such faith - the only ONE that would love and care for me all the way. All the way. and, never ever change. Perfect love which drives out fear.

Monday, May 17, 2010

I watched Fireproof (2008) over the weekend and got surprised that it's actually a Christian movie which also touches my heart. I find it relevant and believe that it's not a coincidence that this movie appealed to me while I was changing channels, one from another, in a hot afternoon.

The title itself ie: Fireproof gave me the impression of a violent story line, with gunshots, gang fights etc.Okay it does have something to do with fire and firefighters.
I wasn't in the mood for this kind of genre but somehow, i decided to read the synopsis of the movie. It is a romance genre and I was still not interested. So odd of me, right? I always have a soft spot for love stories, maybe it's just the heat that is a major turn off! So, I continued changing channels in hope of bumping into something that fits my mood and cool me down. Finally, I find myself ironically getting çomfortable, lying on the floor with a pillows around me - getting into a 'late-night movie mode'.

Synopsis: In Albany, the marriage of Caleb end Catherine Holt is in crisis and they decide to divorce. However, Caleb's father, John, proposes that his son delays their separation process for forty days and follow a procedure called "The Love Dare" to make them love each other again.

To get things clear, I'm not reviewing on the movie but more of the message I've retrieved from it. As mentioned, I believe that it is of no coincidence that God has planned for me to watch this movie over the weekend.

As I'm more of a 'quote' person, i think the below quote touches my heart:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John Holt: Caleb, if I had to ask you why you're so frustrated with Catherine, what would you say?


Caleb Holt: She's stubborn. She makes everything difficult for me. She's ungrateful. She's constantly griping about something.


John Holt: Has she thanked you for anything you've done in the last 20 days?


Caleb Holt: No! And you'd think after I washed the car, changed the oil, do the dishes, washed the house, that she would try to show me a little bit of gratitude, but she doesn't. In fact, when I come home, she makes me feel like I'm an enemy! I'm not even welcome in my own home, dad! That is what really ticks me off! Dad, for the last three weeks I have bent over backwards for her! I have tried to demonstrate that I still care about this relationship. I bought her flowers, which she threw away. I have taken her insults and her sarcasm, but last night was it. I made dinner for her. I did everything I could to demonstrate that I care about her, to show value for her, and she spat in my face! She does not deserve this, dad! I am not doing it anymore! How am I supposed to show love to somebody over and over and over, who constantly rejects me?


John Holt: [John Holt strokes the wooden cross, and turns to Caleb] That's a good question.


Caleb Holt: Dad, that is not what I'm doing.


John Holt: Is it?


Caleb Holt: No. Dad, that is not what this is about.


John Holt: Son, you just asked me: how can someone show love over and over again when they're constantly rejected? Caleb, the answer is: you can't love her, because you can't give her what you don't have. I couldn't truly love your mother until I understood what love truly was. It's not because I get some reward out of it. I've now made a decision to love your mother whether she deserves it or not. Son, God loves you, even though you don't deserve it. Even though you've rejected Him. Spat in His face. God sent Jesus to die on the cross for your sin, because He loves you. The cross was offensive to me, until I came to it. But when I did, Jesus Christ changed my life. That's when I truly began to love your mom. Son, I can't settle this for you. This is between you and the Lord. But I love you too much not to tell you the truth. Can't you see that you need Him? Can't you see that you need His forgiveness?


Caleb Holt: Yes.


John Holt: Will you trust Him with your life?


[Caleb nods; yes]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I admit that there are many, countless times where I've rejected God when my life crumbles down at me. I've lose faith many times but yet, here I am, back to His embrace, His loving eyes. No matter how many time's I've turned away and rejected Him, He still looked at us lovingly and forgives me. God is worthy and I'm so utterly unworthy of Him to have died for my sins and shame.

In the movie, when Caleb found God, he learns what is LOVE. He asked for God's forgiveness sincerely and prayed earnestly, desperately waiting on Him. He knelt down on both knees and prayed. He trusted God wholeheartedly. I find myself in a somewhat same situation as Caleb in this movie. He is at his lowest point, he is crushed, often frustrated in life, then he found God and submitted himself in His mercy and grace. He waited on Him, and this is what I've learned over the weekend. 

With nothing but bad events taken place in turn and more to come, how is it possible for me to even have a glimpse of hope? There's no sign of light that will lead me out of this dark tunnel. There is no future, there is no my future. Look how little faith I have even though God only require faith as small as a mustard seed?

I am still seeking for His forgiveness for all my doubts and little faith. Till this day, there are times when I've got so frustrated, I want out from everything. It is so tough going through all this alone. It requires loads of mature-ness in me to think rationally and not go by my own emotions. There are days where I'm filled with joy for I'm reminded of the hope He has planned out for me. However, it does not last. I'm really vulnerable now, inside out but I can't show this side of me or rather, I do not want to give in to this side of me. The scars in me are forever visible and I do understand that in this lifetime, there will be more events that would pour salt in this wound and this is just the beginning. How sad, right?

At the end of the day, God gave us choices. A choice to lead this life with Him or without Him, by your own strength or by His strength?

.............................................................................................................................................. 
Caleb Holt: If there's a God out there somewhere, he's not interested in me and my problems.


John Holt: I disagree. I'd say he's very interested.

Caleb Holt: Then where's he been in my life?

John Holt: I'd say he's been at work all around you. You just haven't realized it. You haven't exactly given him an open invitation.

.............................................................................................................................




At this moment, I'm thinking about bits and pieces of a song where the lyrics makes me tear:
Before the world began,
You were on His mind,
And every tear you cry,
Is precious in His eyes,
Because of His great love,
He gave His only Son,
Everything was done,
So you would come.

Come to the Father,Though your gift is small,
Broken hearts, broken lives,
He will take them all,
The power of His Word, The power of His Love,
Everything was done,
So you would come.
 He died for my sins, He gave up everything for me. Who am I to complain on and on about the price I have to pay for being His instrument.

I am broken but still holding on to all the pieces, in hope that I'll be able to glue them back again.
A day at a time, a day at a time, kim. be forever thankful and grateful that God loves you no matter how
broken you are..

xoxo

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I watched You've Got Mail today and there's this particular quote that I find really relevant to myself, or rather, the situation I'm in.
"I fell in love with a dream"
What's my dream?


In my dream,
There was only me and you,
It was me in your warm secure arms,
Your lips on mine,
Under the sky filled with stars whom are also the witnesses of this passionate love.
Anything the world throws at us,
It is you who have always given me all the strength i need  to hold on.


In my dream,
There is always assurance,
No chance for any doubt,
There is always give and take,
No chance for any selfishness.


In my dream,
It's always romance, laughter and intimacy,
Although there are times when it's always debates and tantrums,
There's always words of encouragement, understanding and honesty.




In reality,
No matter how much we believe,
In love, faith and hope,
It was you who has given up un believing... in us.




I have been working in this firm for 2.5 months now. Another half a month it will be the end of my probation and thus, I will be a permanent staff from then on. These 2 months passed me by in a blink of eye, however, many event has taken place within these 2 months. Whether it's a personal or non-personal agenda, it has happened.


"Working life has made my life so routined now" - those whom have been hanging out with me lately will sure to hear me repeat this phrase over and over again. This show how true this is. I've always been questioning people around me if this is normal. There is only one answer - Yes, it's working life-lar.
Look, we've been studying so hard, like hell (literally) just to get a better future. IS THIS THE FUTURE I'VE BEEN WORKING SO HARD FOR?


Yes, I do feel lost. You may call this a transition from uni to the workforce.
  1. You wake up the same time every morning. Wash up. Sun beginning to rise. Get stuck in the morning traffic jam. Get sardined in the elevator. Work begins. Lunch time. Back to work. Dark sky, no sunset. Get stuck in the traffic jam (again). Home. Sleep and start all over again.
  2. Your social circle gets smaller and smaller. Friends? What friends? Weekends? It's either rest or work. 
  3. Life is meaningless and boring.
I admit I've always tell myself that it's a wrong decision to return to Malaysia. All my friends are back in Australia. I'm serving actively in the church there. I've gotten accustomed to the lifestyle there. There is home, here is ... I don't know. If you've read my previous post two months ago, I've mentioned that when I was returning to this place, my mindset was innocently thinking that this place is how it was when I left two years ago. Well, obviously, it's not. Things changed. The worse thing that I've feared most has happened - Loneliness. I fear loneliness and it has happened.


It was hell. Honestly, I never thought that I will ever be lonely. That is because, back then, I have loads of friends with healthy relationships. I'm well pampered by everyone. Everyone likes me (i believe). I'm a nice person. I'm friendly. I'm bubbly. My phone was always ringing with invitation to drinks, shopping, karaoke, parties. I'm actively involved in church events. Even when I was in Aussie, I was never really lonely as well.


How ironic that I feel so lonely now. It has heavily affected me, my personality, my believes. I'm much quiet now. I rarely smile or laugh. I'm isolating myself. I'm getting into serious arguments with my parents. I hated everything in life. In my eyes, the sky is always grey and gloomy. I am starting to believe that God has forgotten about me.


And finally when the last bombshell has fallen on me, I was crushed and broken. I was at the lowest point in my life. Tears that flowed was never ending. Walls around me crumbled. Time seemed to have stopped. I have nothing in life. God has abandoned me. No.


It is so true that when you're at the lowest, God is at the nearest. I turned to God for help. I pleaded to Him to take all these sorrows away.  I could see myself sitting down in a corner, holding my knees. Then, I could feel God embrace me with love. Every tear I cried hurts him so. Miraculously, this is the moment where God does 'His thing'. God delivered me from my sufferings and sorrows, my deprived self. I'm filled with joy once again I smile from the heart once again. My family embraced me with their love, being there for me at this point in my life. My friends started to call and keep in touch without them knowing anything that has happened in my life. I am starting to open up my heart once again after two months of isolation. I'm starting anew.


I'm starting anew. I'm not going reinvent my lifestyle. There will be worklife balance. No isolation anymore. I'm not going to punish myself for all the sorrows that has come upon me. I want to honor Him once again by first getting back on track with my walk with Him and then serve him with whatever I have. I'm gonna live by God's grace and mercy. I will have love,faith and hope without doubting Him anymore. Whatever that is going to happen, whatever in front, I will strive thru it by His strength. 


I do feel energetic now. There's a lot of things which I wanna do. I want to take on a new challenge ie: Complete my Grade 8 Piano, get a Diploma in Music, join British Council book club.. read good novels, polish up my english and be a freelance journalist or writer, learn to drive the manual car all over again (it's a skill i always hope to master as a girl esp), art and craft skill - a weekend hobby and do some gardening. I've actually bought  some daisy seeds and gonna start on it tomorrow. Yup, a whole load of burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I do at times always think of all the 'what if-s' and ' I wants', It's hard. It's tough but there's nothing I could do. Just surrender.


I am excited to know what has God instored for me in each and every day of my life. Tomorrow is the day I'm hoping with all my heart that God will open a door for me, to start anew. I deeply feel that it's the beginning of everything.


Please Father, I plead.


xoxo

Sunday, February 21, 2010


Okay, I've finally acknowledged the minor adjustment error with regards to my blog. As you can see, I've surrendered to endless html codes. Kimmy raising the white flag, alas!! I'm now using Blogspot template design and in my opinion, it's a decent skin. It's a simple black skin. In fact, I've always love the colour black. It's elegant. It complement my top favourite colour, pink. As you can see, I've made my blog very personal this time, with no links to whatever, not even friends' blogs.

Well, that's my life now..i guess. I know, definitely others would agree with me that I've kinda isolated myself. I've not been a friendly friend. Yup, I agree. Why? I can't agree more that things change, relationship changes. Relationship does wither. Whether it's me who have changed or not, it's not for me to judge. You may have heard or experienced this: When one leaves the country for a long time and returned, things and relationship changed. I've had experiences in this matter playing both part of the relationship ie: people in my life left me behind and I've also left people behind. Many would say that those who left and returned often enough changed, but I do have people who thinks vice versa.

I've tried to fit in. It wasn't exactly successful. Maybe I was to naive to think that things will be exactly the same as when I left. I am guilty as well for I didn't make the effort as much as the others did. I'm just too exhausted to try to fit in, to start all over again. I do feel very tired, very very tired. I think it's psychological. I made myself like this. I want to be depressed. It makes me feel better. I'm tired of living in denial. Denying the fact that I'm not alright. I am not happy at all. I am not strong, why act like I am indeed strong at all? I've come to a realization that I'm trying to make people around me feel good, but not me.

I don't know what I'm seeking. I don't even know who am I anymore. Laugh! According to my family, I'm a selfish person. A person who only thinks about herself, her wants and needs. I do believe in their perception of me. I do feel like a shit. However, sometimes I feel that I have the right to prioritize myself, to look after myself, to make myself happy. How funny that what makes me happy, makes the whole wide world unhappy. What a sacrifice I have to make for the world. Sacrifice my own happiness. The big word here is RESPONSIBILITY. You might think that I'm being childish right now. Ah, I really don't care anymore. I don't even know how to smile from my heart with that glow anymore. I'm starting to lose my appetite bit by bit. I'm trusting God wholeheartedly for a miracle, for Him to make things right.

As I've mentioned above, yes, I'm isolating myself, intentionally. I'm not catching up with people or building any relationships. It just makes me sad, all I want is to get myself busy and tired so that I could sleep at night without crying to sleep, thus I hate the holidays because it's never a happy one. I'm not exaggerating here, but my little heart is really feeling sad. Sometimes I cried while eating and beginning to swallow my food hard. Once, my mum saw and she felt my pain but all she says is to accept my circumstances around me.

It just feels like a huge stone in my heart. Like a cancer, killing me slowly. When I walk in the streets or shopping malls, I deeply wonder how could people be so happy about their lives when the sky is so ever gray, with not a single star at night?

Well, what can I do? NOTHING. Really nothing that I can do. Wait, there is one.

Although I do not know how to move on in life yet right now, I'm just gonna take a step at a time. Whatever God has provided and is still providing, I'm just gonna take it and slowly, by faith, I hope I could see that light end of this long dreadful tunnel.

xoxo

Saturday, October 24, 2009

I've not been honest to myself.

I've been telling myself that this is what it should be, this is the most logical decision. How true is that, I have totally no clue. I am up to the point of convincing myself that this is what I want, I am happy.

Maybe I'm still young, immature, selfishly thinking of myself and not others. Thinking what I want, what I desire, what would make me feel happy. I'm so selfish and mean for blaming everyone else for a decision that I MADE! I still can't "swallow down" the fact that I've made my loved ones around me miserable these few months.

I want to run away, I want to find an escape route.

Have you ever made a decision because everyone supports it and you know it's sensible but at the end of the day, you are not happy at all but you can't take the risk of doing the alternative because you are afraid of failing? I'm feeling like that now.

But, where should i run to? What happens if my selfish desire leads to another "hot pot"? What if i fail in life? I have no one to blame on my failures but myself. It seems like nobody would understand. How ironic that I don't even understand myself. What the hell do I ACTUALLY want? It's like trying to paint an art piece and you have no idea how to start, what you want to paint. The reason I'm still walking this path is because I'm a coward. I don't dare to take the risk of making a decision that nobody obviously will not support me in and then fail.

What is happy?

I don't even dare to be a little sad.

It feels as though there will never be a slight light at the end of the tunnel I'm walking through. It's as if I've lost the game of life. Choices I'm making in life is so superficial, merely to survive on earth. A little happiness is unattainable.

Recently, I've unveiled a memory that I've kept so deeply in my heart for these few years. I have no choice but to unlock this memory, painful memory. It's like my 'lil angel' has come to life again. Everything felt so real. My heart stops when i unlocked these memories one by one. Images starts to form, flashbacks crossed my mind. I tried really hard to stop everything but my heart took control. I can't sleep that night. My mind was filled with these memories. My heart desire to be in these memories once again. Slowly, the pain crawled in and I felt the pain once again. How hurt was I back then, how i do not want to feel that anymore.

I felt that I'm setting myself on fire again.I'm pushing my loved one away. Is it because of my selfish desire too? I feel horrible. This is not what I want it to be. I know that I seek attention all the time, it's just me. Yes, i'm selfish, but I think i've been very understanding. Sometimes I wonder how much more apart can we get? I do not want my emotions to run my life.

How i pray things will get better soon.

I want my pink.

xoxo





Sunday, July 26, 2009

Hey people, Kimmy's back from Perth for good. Yay!! It has been a week since I've returned from Perth and I am slowly adjusting back to the lifestyle in Malaysia, hot hot hot Malaysia. Many people has questioned my sudden return. Many thought that I would stay in Perth for good since I love it so much there. Love?? Really? I still remember it was this very day, 26th July 2008 that i step foot in Perth and have decided that I'm gonna just get done with my studies here and get the hell out of here. You see, I have everthing back in Malaysia, family and friends. In Perth, I have to start all over again in such a strange and quiet place.

How wrong was I..

God is just so AMAZING. Studying abroad in Perth was one experience I will never ever forget. I've went through a lot, ups and downs, everything. I've never been so happy and sad in my life. Yes, my emotions went wild, to the extreme. I've never been so happy in my life and also cried so much. I admit i've just realized that i'm a cry baby. Every hiccups i've went through in Perth always consists of tears, whether with regards of exams, assignments, relationships or home sickness. I'm always homesick but I don't wanna come home YET. haha. I've learned a lot over in Perth, such as daily routine stuff like getting groceries, cooking simple edible things, paying bills, travelling around and more. I think im definitely more independent now compared to last time. My final semester was extremely fun and I thank God for blessing me with so many good friends around me that I now consider them as my perth family.


I never thought of leaving Perth, actually. I am so happy in Perth, I don't wanna come home. I want to start a new life with those I love and I believe God really wants to use me here in Perth. I really saw the need. but who am i to limit God? God is much more creative that this. He can use me wherever I am. Due to financial issues, I've finally made the decision to come back to Malaysia. The initial plan to come home should have taken place in September after my convocation but suddenly I was very sick with chest infection. My parents were so worried, they demanded me to come home right away. It was too sudden and I was suddenly forced to prepare my heart to come home immediately. It was not only hard for my friends in Perth but for Yuwin and I. However, all of us handled this very maturely and have came with a consensus mindset that the decision to come home is the most logical decision I've made. The last two weeks of my time in Perth was spent wisely with people I love and cherish. All of us were filled with mixed emotions, happy and sad.


My very last day in Perth was the day my heart got really heavy with feelings that I have to swallow down really reluctantly. It suddenly felt like I can never be happy again. I was filled with guilt that I'm leaving this bunch of people that I truly love and care for. It felt like the colour PINK will never make my heart leap anymore. how dramatic, hey? On my last day in Perth, my friends and i did a whole lot of different things. We went for paintball early in the morning, woke up around 530am and travelled all the way up north. We came back around 4pm and then we went for dinner, had chicken rice at O'connors. After dinner, we all played will flour and made bread. It was raining throughout the night as if the sky is felt the same as my heart did. We enjoyed spending time the whole day and none of us talked about Kim's leaving soon till midnight when we were playing monopoly and getting sleepy. I have to get to the airport at 4am and many of them will be seeing me off. I was really touched but i felt guilty as well because it was a sunday morning and I don't want all of them to be so sleepy in church later on.

Yuwin suggested that we take one last walk around 2am together under the rain. It was lightly drizzling now and we held each others' hands firmly not wanting to let go. Our hearts felt so heavy and the walk to his place seem so short that morning. We didn't talk much throughout the walk.

3am. One more hour to go. Yuwin hugged me. He whispered 'I will miss you' into my ears and planted me a kiss on the cheek. Both of us tried not to cry, trying to be strong for each other. I didn't wanna cry but hot tears started rolling down my cheeks. I gave up trying not to cry, come on.. i've been crying every night ever since I confirmed my air ticket, which was 2 weeks ago. Suddenly, I heard him sobbing. He didn't wanna look into my eyes. He was reluctant to let go. We ended up hugging and crying endlessly.

6am. Gate 5 is now open. My friends and i walked towards the departure gate. I hugged everyone. I looked at them one last time with watery eyes and whispered Goodbye. I went in with tears rolling down endlessly.

715am. Looking out the window, I saw beautiful clouds with the sun beginning to rise right before me. It was so beautiful. I said goodbye to Australia and beginning to flashback on my one year in Perth. I took out all the gifts i've received from my friends. I smiled and vowed not to forget every beautiful memories I've had. I will come back.


1320pm. I walked out of the arrival gate in LCCT, Malaysia. My eyes quickly browse through the crowd and in a sec, I saw my family waving at me and smiling. My mum and dad came and hugged me and said "Welcome home", little tears rolled down as I whispered to my parents, "I'm finally home, Mummy, Daddy." As I was still hugging my parents, i saw a stranger, he looks like a father who smiled at me as he was looking at us hugging as though he felt the same as we did.


It has been exactly a week now. As I am still typing this, tears still formed at the back of my eyes. I still do not know if I've made the right decision. I went for altar call today at church and my pastor prayed for me. As he was still praying, he said, "Kim, trust in the Lord. Stop questioning God. Stop asking why not my way."

I guess I will have to move on in life, whether or not I'm in Perth or in Malaysia. I'm gonna continue to excel in all areas of my life. I'm gonna stay strong and always keep a smile on my face. Gambate, Kim!!!!

To all my Perth friends, I will continue to pray for all of you. You guys will forever be my family and I wish you guys the very best in all your future endeavours and remember that you are very beautiful, precious and unique individuals. I love all of you from the bottom of my heart. I hope to be able to continue sharing life with all of you no matter how far we all are with each other. I will remember you guys, always. Thank you for EVERYTHING.

-xoxo-

Monday, April 27, 2009

PASSION Cell Group, MURDOCH ZONE

Little Moments, Unforgettable Ones..


Special thanks to Jo and Kelv for the videos...













Lord, You are Abosolutely Awesome

-xoxo-

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Nick Vujicic
Although born with no arms and legs, Nick has been a faithful servant of God and has been an inspiration to others.
What about us?

Remember, God is not interested whether or not we are capable.. God wants our availability.
Do not wait to be invited to serve, act on it...

This is another video on Dick and Rick Hoyt.
This video made me tear so much.
An expression on God's fatherly love...



Dick Hoyt, a true hero.. a definition of a loving father.

i truly salute you.
-xoxo-

Saturday, April 25, 2009

-the bond between us can't be broken-

How can one moment ruin a lifetime of trust?

Our bond is no longer held together by the untouchable memories and experiences we've shared

One snip from the scissors tore us all apart.

I miss the closeness we once have had.

I miss those times when we used to laughed together.

We act like children trapped in an adult appearance

I miss those times when we tickle our funny bones with our never ending sarcasm


When we used to turned to each other

For encouragement, support or even shelter and food

When winter comes, we embraced each other with our warmth


I never said I was perfect

I never said I wanted to be

Why am i being judged for being me?

Why on earth does nobody understand that I just want to be me?

Why should i even choose?

Why am i being forced to please the entire world?


Why must i feel obligated to everyone's demands?


I'm sorry

For all the trouble I've caused

I'm sorry

But I cannot help to be me

All i ask for is for someone to understand that it hurts me too

For being so imperfect.

All i could give is never enough, but please understand that i would never give up trying.

Friendship is not being measured by how much we spend time together,

Friendship is when we know that when we fall, there will be someone that will be there for you.

Friendship is when we know that when we are joyful, there will be someone to rejoice with you.

It is just as simple as that.


Friendship will wither within time

And I will continue to fix the incomplete puzzle.
Forever i will seek the glue to piece this back together.

P.S. Like what you've said, it takes two to tango. However, my efforts will be worthless, when i'm endlessly being pushed away.
-xoxo-


Saturday, March 28, 2009

I love Fridays!! It has been always my favourite day ever since God knows when. Fridays always seems to me like Monday is gonna be a long way to come and for now, my week has juz ended, i can finally breathe and relax, laze around till my week starts all over again with classes and classes.
I've just came back from an awesome cell group meeting. Cell group is one that I always look forward to going because I know that even though I'm so tired due to the accumulated stress for the entire week, I can suddenly feel refreshed and rejuvenated with awesome people like the Spammers United and of course really fruitful heated discussion about the bible.


I was actually having slight fever today but after cell group and the usual bubble tea session we have had, I came back energetic and thus decided to blog a little here besides spamming with the spammers via facebook. It really has been an awesome night for me.

God, You are just so amazingly AMAZING. I was doing my devotion and this verse caught my attention tonight:

Isaiah 46: 3-4 :-
I have taken care of you from you birth. Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you. I made you and will take care of you.

I was and am still very touched when i came across this verse. It has struck me that God is just so ever sincere. I mean like, He wasn't even lonely due to His perfect love in the fellowship of the Trinity, but He still created us to LOVE us. How absolutely wonderful He is!!
If God is human, I think He would have a lot of girls falling for Him. Haha.. He is LOVE. From the verse, God says that even when I'm old with gray hair, He would still LOVE me. There is no need for botox when God is just so Lovely. Nevertheless, I do believe that there are people in this world that still love their wife/husband even when they are old or physically challenged. In my opinion, whoever that loves God, loves. Yes, that sums up what I wanted to say thus far.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape you heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow - Russell Kelfer

Thank you Father for your grace and mercy You have towards me. Thank you for every day, every minute and every second of my life. Father, check my heart oh lord for any stubborness i have in me. You know me so well Lord and please do forgive me for all my wrongdoings. Forgive me for all my doubts i have had in You. Lord, cast all my burdens away. Take care of my everything. I acknolwedge you in everything that i do, i pray oh lord that you would direct my paths. I pray for all my loved ones, my family and friends that Lord, You will bless them and help them in whatever circumstances they are going through. Lastly, I pray Lord that You will use me as an instrument to fulfill your purposes you have in me. In Jesus name, Amen.

-xoxo-

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


Even if I thought it's a new start, a new beginning, a fresh one, I will tend to fall back into that deep hole all by myself. It is just awfully annoying for me, what about you? I long so much to start anew but my sincerity is just never sufficient. I desire to make an impact, something that I would be proud of, to be of importance in this place but it is me, myself that is hindering me. I procrastinate so much I just wanna hit myself hard. What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm not going anywhere.


I'm never there.


Shit me.


Just drown yourself, kim.

Friday, February 27, 2009


I know many of us can't wait for the weekend. Cheer up, it's Thursday already.
Let's have a good laugh....

I had a great day today. Not only that the weather is so cooling today (which is great for a cuppa) but also having happy-filled emotions.. Maybe i'm high with endorphines.. credits to good chocolates frm Aussie..

i hope tht time of the month will come soon. my cravings for food are killing me.
..a day at a time..
xoxo

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Nah!!!! Not so much of partying but hibernating...
Super Sigh....

I really need prayer, ppl..

I'm so uncertain on what to do..

I'm graduating in a few months time
and...

a) i found out it's impossible to get a job here in Aussieland when the recession is hitting hard
b) i can't stay in Aussieland when i've only been here for less than a year
but, nevertheless..
c) i have strong faith that God will direct my paths, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
so...
my little heart is so confused and lost...

Prepare my heart to stay in Perth or Somewhere-else?

What is my future gonna be like??
Whatever it is.. Let's just focus on graduating FIRST!!
Just to sidetrack a little... (forgive me, i just need to dream a little)
If I stay in Perth, Kimmy feels like getting...


1. A CAR


If i'm going to stay here in Perth, I do not want to rely on people to get me around. I want to drive to church, being able to serve in church without relying on others to get me there.. like how i used to back in Malaysia. Btw, this is a Lamborghini Gallardo...

2. A new mobile phone





If i stay in Perth, i can sign up for an iphone contract with Vodafone. I still love my current candy mobile Nokia 2630, but i hate it that it doesn't come with an external memory card. I can't store too many msgs/songs or even pictures.

3. PSP
If i stay in Perth, this boring place needs entertainment. Thus, PSP is the perfect solution. nyehehehe....
omg. the pink PSP is so tempting!!


OMG!! the red PSP is super sexy... .. which one to choose???

4. A brand new Lappie



If i stay in Perth, i can invest in a new lappie. Since Apple's products are at the cheapest in Aussie, which sane human being wouldn't wanna carry this beauty everywhere they go??



5. A Maltese Pup

If i stay in Perth, I can have a reason to buy my all time favourite Maltese breed pup. Perth is one of the perfect place to breed a dog. The air is clean and the community here just loves dogs. I have seen so many pure breed expensive dogs in 9 out of 10 houses and these dogs are all happy dogs!! The RSPCA here are all out to protect dogs, thus i never seen any stray dogs in Perth streets. Bravo!!
okay, it's time for me to stop dreaming....

Currently, what i really need in my so quiet hostel is a TELEVISION!!!

i.need.my.tv.the.flat.is.so.quiet.life.after.5.is.so.dead.i.need.my.tv.

6. TELEVISION



dan & dee: Where is Kim?? She is Missing in Action. I miss Flat 37 family. Where is KIMMMM??
kim, come hang out with us... what have you been doing?

Kim: i have no idea. really.
-xoxo-

Saturday, February 21, 2009

-7th December Two 0 0 Eight-
I've had an AWESOME Twenty-First Birthday.
I've never in my life imagined that i'm gonna celebrate my 21st in Perth.
God has been so WONDERFUL to have planned and granted me this birthday.
I always thought that it's gonna be a lonely and quiet birthday for me especially on my 21st, but with God's love, He gave me a superb one. I've had my loved one, good friends and a tremendous good time with them on a ROAD TRIP down south!! We rented a car and drove all the way to Margaret River.. the wineries, chocolate factories, refreshing beaches and beautiful sunsets made my 21st a pleasant one.
Thank you God for being so ever gracious and merciful to me for these 21 years. Thank you God for blessing me abundantly even though I clearly do not deserve such love from You. Thank you God, for your promise of Salvation, the promise of Hope. God, You know me so well, You know my desires. I want to be salt and light for You. I want to walk with you. I want to be close to you. I will be Joyful. I will be strong. I will be a Woman of Courage. God, please listen to my prayers and I pray that You would use me to fulfill Your purposes You have in me. I have faith that You have great plans for me.
This is a note posted by Dan, my really good girlfriend in Murdoch on my 21st Birthday!!


To my beautiful friend,


There aren’t many words to describe the best of you and of your beauty but still I have sat looking through all the days of memories that you have painted for me and for the others. We maybe just a border across each other yet we’ve come miles apart as strangers to familiar faces over the last couple of months. Today, you’re my friend a really good friend I’d like to continue sharing a friendship in all the days yet to come. We may be different, you’re a little dependent and I rather be independent but that doesn’t make you any less my friend. On this day, I take this opportunity to thank you for all the days you’ve always tried putting on your smiles for us, for me during days that treated us with lonesome. I thank you for always being the one who never fails to shine your radiance on all of us. Pardon me for the days that I have not been at my best, for the days I chose not to share with you myself and for all the things that I must have done to hurt you. I am sorry last night my words were limited for this rising occasion that makes you special today. So for all the things that I did not do, for all the things that I did not say, today, I wish you, Kimberly that may your eyes continue to brim with shimmering felicity. May love come by and may your exclusive loved one sprinkle contentment to whole you. I on behalf of everybody here today, wish you love, peace and happiness. Life may stream with many bumps along the way but you’ll always have me. Happy blessed 21st Birthday, Kimberly!



With Love, Dan

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Insufficient Love by Raymond Lam (Moonlight Resonance SubTheme)





Hiding within my vision, always lingering beside, can guess love is not present
After happily playing & laughing, and be able to totally retreat; as long as you are happy it’s enough.

This kind of feeling is too loving & warm; to speak a thousand phrases would be insufficient.
What if you were to hear it and afterwards leave
This kind of love is too rare, doesn’t need to completely possess
Giving approval, give (my) blessing wholeheartedly, then let go.

Let go, let go of everything, both will have greater freedom
Let go, in fact it’s not because I do not love enough
Let go, let go of everything without reserve, maybe I’ll still have a good friend
It’s already, already enough.

From a distance, in the background of “universal silence”, just observing is enough.

This kind of feeling is too loving & warm; to speak a thousand phrases would be insufficient.
Even though there was an instant, on impulse where I wanted to hold your hand
This kind of love is too rare, doesn’t need to completely possess
Even with heaviness of heart, (it’s best) to let go.

Let go, let go of everything, both will have greater freedom
Let go, in fact it’s not because I do not love enough
Let go, let go of everything without reserve, maybe I’ll still have a good friend
It’s already, already enough.

Let go, my memories (of you) cannot find an ending
Let go! Wish you will have happiness & everything.
Maybe, love is very deep, but I have already seen it through
Can only possess when (you) let go.


I really do hate uncertainties. If only i could have a glimpse of my future.

urgh...

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

First 5 months in Perth...
As I opened my eyes, the only thing that I can see is the white ceiling above me. I quickly take a glance around my surrounding trying to reason out the unfamiliarity and sudden insecurity that I’m feeling only to realize that this wasn’t a dream but a reality. In reality, my current “home” is in this double room (Room 4b) of this flat (Flat 28), the Student Village that accommodate students of Murdoch University which is located in Perth. In reality, my little private place is at this corner of the double room I am sharing. In reality, my little heart has succumbed to expectations expected of me and I’m starting to close up within me. In reality, I’m not anywhere close to home.

Feeling cold, I wrapped myself with the comforter enjoying the warmth and wishing for my sunshine to shine ever so brightly today. I have had enough of winter. The cold weather is unbearable anymore. It makes me feel so lonely and empty. I feel so bitter, I am homesick. Yes, I do admit that I’m a pampered child back home with everything being provided. The transition will not going to be any easier for me. I want to just curl up and cry my heart out. I’m starting to wonder whether the decision to transfer to Perth is the right choice. Why on earth did I ever think that studying abroad will be super cool? Now that I’m here, it is not anywhere near cool. It is just plain scary and I want to go home so badly. I am terribly missing my family. The night when they finally said their last goodbyes and left me in the student village to catch their flight back home was the toughest night. I’ve come to realize that I’m really on my own now. I’m a big girl now. I must be independent. It is not a choice to be independent or not anymore. Then, I begin to start recalling the night my friends came to see me off at the airport. Hot tears started to fill my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I can still feel each of their embraces which are filled with genuine love and well wishes pouring out for me. It will never be the same in Perth. It is impossible to find these people in Perth. They are all unique in their individual ways and I’m so blessed to have them.

I’ve woken up with the thought of going home every single morning for the first two months here. Every night before I sleep, I would pray that God would send me home and that I admit that I’ve made a huge mistake for coming here. I dreamt of my family and friends and it is a beautiful and happy-filled dream but as soon as I thought that was reality, I jerked and yet again, to have realized that I’m still very much here. It is usually the culture for study abroad children to not complain of being homesick whenever their parents called. It will be a disgrace some sort towards their parents for pampering their children when they were still in the nest. It is also common that study abroad children will try not to inform their parents if they are not doing well here and ensure their parents that they are doing well instead. I’m not in any way that kind of daughter to my parents. I am not like Wilson to put all those troubles he is going through here in Perth under the bed and not make his parents worry for him. I do understand that it is the supposedly act of a good child. As a pampered and dependent child, my parents would be amazed if I would ever go through all my troubles without even a single complaint from me. My parents brought up have always been no privacy and they should know everything. When I was young, I will never understand and demand for my PRIVACY without realizing that the reason behind this is to remind me that in whatever situations that I would face, whether it is highs or lows, I will never walk alone. Other than God, my family will always walk this road with me.

I still didn’t really realize the reasoning behind my parents’ parenting methods before I came here to Perth. Student life abroad takes you away from your comfort zones. I’m very sure Perth has made me develop “what-the-heck” symptoms. Ever since I’m in Perth, I always wonder what in the world am I doing here. I remembered Dee (my ex roomie) put up a reminder on our little notice-board in our room reminding both of us the main reason why we’re stuck in Perth. Answer: To Study. I’ve always wondered whether am I doing the right course, whether Business studies is actually my kind of thing, the thing that I really wanna do or just to please my parents? Being the eldest in the family, I am not showing any good example to my siblings. I’ve been denying the utmost truth that I’m the worst sister anyone could ever find. Attitude wise, I’m a true definition of the word ‘ugly’. Academically wise, my siblings do better than me, yet, I’m here using up their education funds to make it to Perth. So, what the heck am I doing here? Since everyone around me are feeding me with all the advantages of studying abroad, my only conclusion is that going to Perth will make me a better person. Yes, that should be it.

So, I packed my bags and I pulled myself together, have a pre-departure resolution aiming to put all my bitterness, sorrows, everything unhappy about my old life behind me and start anew in Perth. I have to admit, that’s the fun part of starting anew in a new place where nobody knows you. Of course the first few weeks, I’m always very fearful of not being able to get a group of friends any closer to the ones I have at home. So, what I did was to participate in all first year orientation gatherings and within a week or so, I’ve obtained a handful of really good friends. Although, most of them are first year students but we have the same first year experience here in Perth. Our friendship developed tremendously in those 5 months together and I’m proud to say that they are my “ohana”. Ohana means family. If I did not come to Perth, I would never have experience such friendship. Dan used to say how funny it is for us to come all the way to Perth so that we could meet up when we are just staying in neighbouring countries.

Student Village life is very interesting indeed. I got to meet lots of awesome people from all around the world like US, Germany, Zimbabwe, Korea, Singapore and etc. These people are very friendly and fun to hang out with. All of them are mostly very open to Asians and know how to really have fun. I’ve had Americans playing football over the flats when I was walking to uni. I’ve went clubbing with Germans and Koreans and I promise they really know how to dance sexy and drink crazy. Although living in a flat with so many other people is a disadvantage like cleaning which I hate it so much because I have to clean up other people’s mess which I clearly never contributed to any of it every two freaking weeks so that I will not get fined when it is being inspected. It is worse when I have to do it on a Sunday night after church and usually after a party which I never participated. Kitchen duty sucks!! Like, I have to clean the whole bloody kitchen including the appliances such as toaster, oven and even defrost that refrigerator that looks like north pole in there!!



Many would say I should be very independent by now. You can laugh out loud now because I’m still as dependent as I can ever be. I’m blessed with really good village friends that will never see me pursue my hunger strike. My favourite hang out place will be the all time Flat 37. I’m almost a Flat 37-rian. I go there almost everyday and if that one week I’m busy and didn’t get to make my grand appearance there, the original Flat 37 residents will be questioning my sudden disappearance. Flat 37 is the one place I could run to for all sorts of shelter like blackout at Flat 28 (my ex flat), full house at Flat 28, Room 4B or even shortage of food supply at Flat 28’s kitchen. The residents of Flat 37 would be Dan (the ever so loving Big Sister of Flat 37 gang), Keanan (the Choo-Choo Train), Kristy (the true definition of gentle and kind lady), Wilson (the King of Blurness) and Yuwin (The Mighty Lord Avocado). We have indeed gone through thick and thin together in these 5 months. Throughout my entire stay in the village, these good friends have been supporting me in every way when I’m on my lowest point and have been rejoicing with me when I’m at my highest point. I would never trade them for anything for I’ve realized that at when you’re in need, only your true friends will be forever there to lend a hand in whatever way they possibly could help. They are my angels and I wish to be their angel too.

The weather in Perth is so amazing. The sky is ever so blue and at night, the stars filled the dark sky and they sparkled at you as if they are smiling at you. I used to walk with Flat 37 gang to our favourite hiding spot, the “rabbit field” which till now I don’t recall seeing any rabbits hopping around that field. We would sit or lie down in the field looking at the shining moon and sparkling stars above us. Sometimes, after studying in the library till wee hours, we would come to this field and wait for sunrise at 530am. It is so beautiful during sunrise with mist all around us as if we are in the clouds. When I’m lonely, stress out and feel empty, I would walk out to the balcony and look at the moon and stars for comfort. God is just so awesome to have created such beautiful universe. We also have our night walk to Caltex opposite Murdoch University often when hunger strikes. Caltex is like the only petrol kiosk with a small shop where we can shop after working hours. I promise the Caltex worker can recognize and label us as the Asian Caltex fanatics.

Potlucks are favourite past times of village residents. It’s more of an impromptu kind of thing. No extra planning needed. Cooking skill is something I developed a little. Yes, a little. Like, now I finally know the difference between shallots, onion and ginger. I have not learned how to use the knife properly but I am now so much in relief that I can actually cook something edible. The kitchen now is my laboratory to experiment all kinds of ingredients that can be transformed into an edible decent dish that deserves a well done compliment. Although I only cook when my groceries are going to expire the next day and thus I cook in bulk, I am still very proud of myself. Talking about potlucks, we will never forget to include these two guys who are ever so hilarious and entertaining, which are Yeap and Yeow (the YES brothers from Penang KDU College). They are not only entertaining but helpful, friendly and are good cooks too. They can cook really good curry chicken, Chinese dishes and the unforgettable claypot chicken rice. Yeow is an amazing Chinese doctor I always seek in Perth. Like, he knows what sickness you have by sensing your hearbeat. He is good at traditional massaging, like he knows which muscle, which bones that is related to all your health issues. Yeap has big expression and it even more entertaining when we played the 007 Bang game. Along with other friends like Sean Brian McMahon (the youngest among us that never fails to entertain me), Mindy (landlady of Yuwin, Wilson and David), Victor (the feminine good looking dude), David (the anti Swedish but IKEA fan), Mun Yoke and April (accounting twins), we would have potlucks and birthday parties filled with great fellowship and drinking games. Yes, we’ve definitely played some truth or dare games with confessions, moment of truths spilling all over and of course everyone got dared to kiss someone a couple of times. Speaking of Drinking games, I’ve finally realized that I’m not too bad in holding my liquor. At my own flat, Flat 28, I’ve had drinking competition with my flatmates which are Australians and Americans and I’m proud to say at the end of the night, I’m still very much sober. Oh yes, I’ve also have a collection of alcohol bottles on top of my cupboards in my kitchen. The bottleshop near our uni, which is called Thirsty Camel is a drive through shop and it is cheap. A pack of goon (cheap wine) is only like AUD 12 for like 1-2 litres.

Study wise, it’s pretty challenging in Perth because you do not know the lecturer well and their expectation of you. They DO NOT SPOONFEED. YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN. Lectures are shorter than tutorials which are a total opposite system of KDU. I managed to get decent group mates and decent results. I’ve learned to write a proper assignment, do proper research and think, think and think!! My brain still hurts when I recall of those painful moments cracking my brain for those bloody marketing reports that my lecturer is never satisfied with. Lecturers in this country have more power even though we students pay their salaries. Lecturers can walk out of class as when they wanted. I was truly amazed. Furthermore, everything is done online to SAVE THE TREES. Save the ENVIRONMENT. From enrolment to submitting assignments are all done online. Students in uni can dress as whatever they want to such as Gothic, horny, half naked or even powepuff girl style. Yes, I saw Blossom. The university is huge and every Tuesday, I have to walk down two hills to get to my lecture hall which is located at the Veterinary School. I’m always questioning why I should go through this trouble to get to a vet school when I’m a business student. Well, that’s why bicycles are the main transportation method of students here. Save the earth, Save Mother Nature. By the way, at the Vet school, I saw horses with raincoats. It seems that Australia treasures their heritage animals so much, they even put raincoats on their horses, I think I saw Black Beauty with raincoat. Frankly, there are fewer cars on the road compared to Malaysia because the public transportation in Perth is so much more efficient than Malaysia. The buses do stop at bus stops in Perth. In contributing to the effort of saving the environment, when you go buy groceries, you are encouraged to bring your own grocery bag. By the way, when paying for your groceries, you do not need to bring cash because you can pay through eftpos (debit card). There’s this terminal where you slot in you card and then type in your pin number and tadaa!!

These 5 months in Perth have been filled with rainbows and portholes as well. I’m not good with directions, I admit. Whenever I’m lost and fall down, I always have good friends like Dan and Yuwin to look for me and bring me up to my feet again. When I’m hungry and weak, they will be there with extra food for me to give me strength. When I’m doing things wrong, they will correct me even though it hurts. I thank God so much to have blessed me with such great friends. I really hope to meet more people like them in the future wherever I’m going to end up in.

xoxo